Chapter II

    Whenever I fell, I would get back up like this prayer. I would ask for forgiveness and go on. Yes, God forgave me. I have never had a problem understanding forgiveness. The problem I had was that I did not understand the causes. When things were going great, I was fine. However, when triggers were set I went off just like an alcoholic, drug addict or physical abuser.

    I had kept out of trouble for years. I stayed out of trouble the last three years with my first wife Julie and four years while alone with just my children. Stayed active in my local church without any thoughts of pursuing an affair.

   I truly believed that all I needed in my life was a woman who was pleased with me. In The Lady, I thought I had “found what I was look-in’ for.” I had no idea that there were triggers or what triggers were. I thought I had “handled” my problem, and by asking for forgiveness, I just went on with my life. In my prayer, I had only handled one of five areas that needed to be taken care of. You will find in the book how I found the five areas that only God could handle and how God showed me in His word the answers to be totally cured.

(1)       Asking God for forgiveness (admitting we are guilty)
(2)       Confessing your faults one to another (accountability)
(3)       Asking to be crushed (we must die to self)
(4)       Confessing the sins of our ancestors (searching into our past to find what brought us to where we are)
(5)       Asking forgiveness to those we have hurt, (sorrow and accountability for what we have done to those we have hurt)

    God sums up the prayer I prayed in one sentence, Hosea 6:6 I don’t want your sacrifices - I want your love; I don’t want your offerings- I want you to know me.

What would our verdict be? What would the courts verdict be? Hang the bastards (fatherless child). They’re guilty. String em up. Put em in prison. Throw away the key. This is what they deserve. This is what I deserved, I was guilty. But wait a minute, God says in Hosea 14:3b The fatherless find mercy. The son who never had the love of a father. The dysfunctional son God will be a father to.

Would anybody want to turn this around? Only God! In Hosea 11:8-11 God debates within himself concerning our case, it is a debate between justice and mercy, victory in the debate plainly leans toward the mercy side. Hosea Chaptors 8-11 Oh, how can I give you up---? How can I let you go? How can I forsake you---? My heart cries out within me; how I long to help you! No, I will not punish you as much as my fierce anger tells me to. This is the last time I will destroy---. For I am God and not man; I am the Holy One living among you and I did not come to destroy. After a long contest, mercy rejoices against judgment, and carries the day. Their reprieve shall be lengthened, No I will not punish you as much as my fierce anger tells me to. They shall be corrected but not consumed. The reason, For I am God and not man; I am the Holy One living among you. He is Lord over his anger, whereas our anger usually rules over us. It is very encouraging to our hope, to hope in God’s mercies to know that He is God and not man.

Potters Wheel

    When God can not get your attention, He may dry up your fields and your pockets to get your attention. He may allow a separation in your life from those you love to get your attention. I may just go home for a while, God stated in Hosea 5:15. Or in my case He may do all of the above.

   He taught me through Jeremiah, and gave me a new song. He allowed me to linger like a lump of clay put into a pile of clay to dry patiently waiting until I cried out to Him. Father crush me and take out the impurities. Make me into a new man, a new servant to serve thee.

Dying to Become Strong?
2 Corinthians 4:7-10
10/20/96

    How can I possibly admit that I am weak? How can I possibly admit I am powerless and that my life is unmanageable? For me to say I am powerless seems to say, there is not hope. No hope whatsoever in my internal struggle against my addiction of chosen control. To stand strong in one’s self or portray strength to cover lifelong weaknesses and failures we will stand alone until we fail and fall in them. If I can admit my total powerlessness then I am able to seek help from God and man.

When I originally wrote the following notes, I had no idea of the power that they contained or the power that would be released into my life until I studied Step 6 included near the end of this book, I just knew I could not change myself. I know I had a problem and that I needed help. I wanted it (my problem) to be over and I was willing to be crushed to nothing so that God could do it. I have left the sentence structure, which may be incorrect so that you can see and feel what I was going through and what I wanted God to do in my life.

We are like a clay pot that God has put his light and power in. I am still that clay pot and like Jeremiah’s lesson of the potter and the potter’s wheel, I need to stay pliable, so that he can mold me. I’m still on the potter’s wheel- spinning and spinning until- he molds me, makes me, then he fills me. I’m still on the potter’s wheel. I have brought thee to this place and placed thee on this wheel, I am forming thee over anew. If thou wilt but listen unto my voice, I’ll make a vessel of honor out of you. (From a song “The Potters Wheel,” Patty Peterson &Sam Horner)

    2 Corinthians 4:8-10, We are pressed on every side by troubles, (troubles I have brought on myself) but not crushed and broken. This analogue applies only if I remain pliable. If I do not remain pliable, the analogue applies that Job had about the potters’ wheel. The potter will just rework it. When I brought a potter into Children’s Church with his potter’s wheel, I learned that the clay must stay pliable in order for the potter to be able to work and shape it as he pleased. I asked, "What if the clay does not work in your hands?" In reply, he picked up the clay and slammed it on the wheel, then pounded it, and punched it, and kneaded it until it was pliable again. I asked, "What if hard, dry pieces were to get in the clay?" The potter answered, You must put it aside for a while. After it has totally dried, you can then take a hammer, and smash it and grind it into powder again. Then you can start over by adding water making it pliable again.

    I became hard hearted and made myself un-pliable. God first got my attention in His mercy and to protect me, by having The Lady ask me to leave. God took me one step further, in His mercy God allowed Scotty to take what was left and smash it to dust. Thank you, sir. With the help of God, I will stay pliable for the rest of my life.
As I prayed and asked God to crush me I thought to myself, what can God make out of dust? I thought about Adam who was the father of the human race. Then I wrote a new verse to complete the song that took twenty-five years to write.

    If I falter- if I fail, I pray God will take hold of me. Take me like Adam out of the dust and make a new servant of honor unto thee.

    My brother-in-law, an artist and sculptor, told me how he found a lump of clay lying on the beach in Atlantic City, New Jersey.   The clay was the size of small boulders. He lifted it; it was dry and hard on top, but soft and pliable under the sand. He took it to his home and immersed it in a bucket of water.    Within a short time, straw and grass rose to the top, which he skimmed off and discarded. The clay slowly separated, with pieces of shell and stone settling to the bottom. He would then reach down into the water, gently remove only the clay from the top, and leave the impurities in the bottom. Old potters in Christ and Jeremiah’s time would never throw away a piece of clay. If while they were working the clay, they found a stone or impurity in it, they would simply throw it out the window of their workshop into a pile where it would dry in the sun, while they continued with the clay that was workable. After the clay had dried in the sun for a while, they would go out with a hammer and chisel and like my brother-in-law, they would break off pieces and throw it into water starting the process of separation again. The potter never gave up on his clay. The potter threw chunks of clay into the water bucket or smashed them into small pieces to make the process go faster. I prayed to God to smash me. I wanted it over. I wanted the madness in me to stop controlling me.

     I thank God; He has never thrown me away. God has been patient with me. Many years he had tried to mold me, but there were areas of my life that had impurities that would not allow Him to use me. In His mercy, God has smashed me into small pieces and now he has immersed me in His love so that the impurities in my life would fall away and He could reform me into what he wanted to make of me. My brother-in-law took the clay he had found, when a young man in high school, and made a bust of John F. Kennedy, that became a prize winner. It is now proudly displayed for all to see.

   God is not through with me yet, and it will be exciting to see what God will make out of a pliable piece of clay, that I am willing to be. My life is not over yet!

We are pressed and perplexed with what we do not understand, why things happen as they do, but we must not give up and we must not quit. We are hunted down but God will never abandon us. When we are knocked down we get up again, we keep going. I am so thankful God has lain on my heart the songs he has over the years, the songs have been there to minister encouragement to my heart.

There’s so many songs that haven’t been sung
There’s too many roads that haven’t been traveled upon
There’s too many smiles waitin’ around the bend
There’s too much sunshine I ain’t felt upon my skin
Ain’t givin’ up now, no. Ain’t givin’ up now, no.
Cause we been together for such a long time
It ain’t been easy, but we have survived
Dawn finds me near You as night fades away,
Like a gentle hand, You brace me, like a warm kiss
You grace me.
Sweet as the Georgia rain You wash away sin
Ain’t givin’ up now, no. Ain’t givin’ up now, no.
There’s too many mountains I’ve already climbed
There’s too many words I’ve already rhymed
There’s too many times, I’ve won victory
It’s too late Now To Start This TAKIN’ DEFEAT
Ain’t givin’ up now, no. Ain’t givin’ up now, no! No! No! No! No! No!
Reba Rambo