Chapter V

Chapter V
My Lady

    Then I met The Lady who became My Lady. Fantastic fun courting. The Lady smiled at me and accepted me for who I was and what I was. We shared great intimate talks and hopes for the future. I was hired full time as a field supervisor. I loved my job. I would no longer have to seek out work every two or three days as a trim carpenter. I would no longer have to trace down paychecks from general contractors who conveniently got lost on Fridays. We went into the marriage knowing we both had bills but working together we would be able to take care of things. About two weeks before My Lady and I were to marry, Julie decided to throw stones. I sat down with My Lady and told her of how I had been unfaithful in California and also about what had happened when I was a young teenager. She said, It’s alright.

    I did not understand then, but I understand now, My Lady loved me with unconditional love.   There was no one else in my mind. This woman who I felt like was the first WOMAN who ever loved me. This love affair topped the feelings I had for Julie A back as a teenager only this lady returned the love. This lady was willing to commit to marriage to be with me forever.

    To be fair to Julie, she was eighteen I was twenty-one when we married. We were both children.

    I also told My Lady how I had lost everything when in California and of how I had felt like a total failure. I told her Julie had made me feel like I was a loser. (I had no idea at this time that financial problems, rejection and opportunity were the triggers to my addiction.) I wanted to please My Lady. I enjoyed pleasing My Lady. I did not have to impress, I did not have to earn her love. I could be honest with her, and I really felt I had nothing left to hide. She smiled (another key word) at me and accepted me as I was. For the first time in my life I felt I had been accepted with unconditional love, the way Search for Significance defines unconditional love. She came to my work place to see me. I was so proud of her. I showed her off as the lady I was going to marry. We would spend hours talking together into the wee hours of the morning when dating. I had always been a night person, up until after we separated, we would sneak back into our houses after we said goodbye when dating to not wake our children, go to bed and then meet again the next night.

    As we started making plans for our wedding my future father-in-law refused to give the bride away. He made his statement known. Three weeks later when we saw our wedding pictures, My Lady was beautiful, but the pictures of my in-laws made their feelings quite clear- We reject Sam. The scowl on their faces said it all as they sat in the front row. I continued to feel that same terrible rejection from that day forward. The list in the negative column continued to grow. One month after we were married I lost my job. I had to go out and find subcontracting work again. I found a company that told me they would be having tons of work. I believed them. It’s my nature to-a-fault to trust people. I always look for the best in everyone and find myself defending them to-a-fault. The promises came for seven months but the work did not. Yes there were weeks with as high as $1200 in one week but there were also $200, $400, $150 weeks. It was not enough. Another failure, sometimes I wondered what’s the use? I kept trying. I kept believing. I kept trusting. Then the children became upset with the time my wife and I spent together. One ran away. One threw things and used foul language on their mother. I was asked, Please, it’s alright to step in and correct them. I did and it was told to the church gossips that carried it back to the in-laws, statements that My Lady and I both knew were untrue. Now I not only have financial problems, but total and complete rejection as defined by Search for Significance from both her children as well as her parents. In spite of this I felt I could make it if The Lady would stand by me. Within two months of our marriage I heard a new word, Change, 10:00 p.m. is bed time, you’re irresponsible as a father, you’re teaching your son bad habits. Wisdom that is a part of me concerning candy is looked on as stupid and the smiles have stopped. I think I might have made it if the smiles had not stopped. Now I had rejection times five. The only thing missing to trigger the despicable behavior of the past to ease the pain was opportunity.

    I did not go out looking. Just as I did not go out looking at any other time. Being in the in the position I was in, it wasn’t hard to reach out to someone who was hurting. I have always reached out to help friends all my life. My wife and I had a friend who seemed to forever be at our home. She and I were both trying to help her. Our friend had a rough childhood and had felt herself totally rejected by friends and members of her family. We had worked together to help her get over many of her hurts and our friend was just beginning to understand that there was healing in her forgiveness of her own father. At the same time my wife and I were shocked at some of the questions asked about our sex life by our friend. If I had not had such a need to please (a dependency) at this time to have the feeling that somebody liked me there might never have been a problem. I did not realize at the time, that I was a desperately sick man. I had a problem in the past but I had prayed and “I had handled that.”

    Bare in mind ladies if you are making explicit remarks or playing the coquette (a woman who endeavors without sincere affection to gain the attention and or admiration of) be very careful for though it may be quite innocent on your part it could be very dangerous behavior. Also a woman who endeavors with sincere affection (because she is hurting) to gain attention and or admiration by using explicit remarks, should be very careful, again although it may be quite innocent on your part it could be very dangerous behavior. If you are a lucky gentleman feeling flattered will respond with a smile. However a person with a deep-seeded problem unknown to you and possibly unknown to him may magnify your remark or your coquette behavior to be an invitation to please to get acceptance in return. I allowed my addiction to please to receive acceptance (a dependency) to take control of a very bad situation.

    As opportunity arose I started to manipulate from a position of power (as I now see it) and encouraged questions about sexual things and started conversations that got totally out of hand. There was a closeness and bonding that grew. She moved to the middle of my truck to sit next to me, whenever I could arrange to pick her up. I knew she needed love and acceptance, I knew she was terribly mixed up and I took advantage of her pain from the position of power that I had put myself into. This is the reason I feel she is not guilty in any way. When my wife was out of town on several occasions she grabbed my hand and held on, I did not discourage her but took advantage and encouraged her. Was I so addicted to pleasing? How could I have taken advantage of someone so lovely who was so desperately lost and confused that she would reach out to an overweight, balding grandfather. I could have and should have stopped it. I did not. My own addiction being satisfied controlled me. Someone was smiling at me. I was giving her what she needed, attention. I took giving attention too far.

    Her attention and acceptance eased the pain I was feeling. This was dynamite waiting for a spark to explode. Many times when my wife was late getting in from work our friend would arrive and sit and watch T.V. with me while waiting. There were times she would sit by me and there were times I would sit by her. I took advantage. I encouraged the behavior, when she fell asleep with her feet in my lap is when things went too far. One day I had to travel 300 miles and return the same day. I did a very bad thing. Just before leaving, I called and invited her to go with me. She said she was tired. I told her she could sleep in the truck, You can keep me company. She consented and went alone. She fell asleep with her head up against my leg for several hours. I laid my arm across her shoulder and stroked her hair for several hours. When she awoke she continued to lay there before sitting up. I think the single most dangerous thing that set me off more than anything else was when she sing a song to me as she sat up, I like it, I love it, I want some more of it, I tried so hard, I can’t rise above it. WOE! Wait a minute, who am I trying to kid? I knew this was a dynamite situation just waiting to be ignited. How can I suggest that her singing I like it, I love it, I can’t get enough of it was the spark that ignited me? I have never known anyone to say stop stroking my hair, rubbing my neck or messaging my feet. Even our cat purrs I like it, I love it, I can’t get enough of it. I had no right to touch her in any way including messaging her feet for an hour explaining that it would help with her headache. Maybe if my wife were in the room a neck massage or foot massage would help but never, never alone. I would be lying if I were to pretend I did not know that stroking one’s hair is very sensual to both the giver as well as the recipient.

    I had never heard the song she sang before, but I turned into a country music listener until I heard the song to find out the artist’s name. I went out and bought the tape. I read it as the brakes are off when I should have read, STOP! DANGER! FIRE! HALT! I took it as an invitation.

    I bought the tape, put the tape in my truck and we sang the song together.

    I turned God off. I turned off Christian music. I stopped teaching my Children’s Church and fell to the lowest point in my life. Things were hell at home with not being able to please my wife in financial matters and fighting with the children, feelings of utter hopelessness about my wife and very little income due to sporadic work. My latest victim brought me comfort and total acceptance when we were able to be together. God forgive me. How can I ever undo the damage I have caused? Things seemed to progress as summer past. My wife was out of town for several days on two occasions, plus days off in between my own jobs, which did not help. I was not where I should have been. I was still at that time looking for the big buck and believed my boss, that it would all turn around in a week or two.

    I would go over to my friends house, be invited in to help on all kind of projects, usually whatever she wanted to do. There were many times I was invited into her bedroom to talk, where I would just sit on her bed before she got up. I was more than willing to oblige. I have to state here for the record, I was never asked for anything sexual and I never did anything sexual when talking to her in her bedroom. Her bedroom was not a place I ever should have been. There were nights that I took her to the arcade, I once washed her hair, threw out my arm and spent $48 trying to win her that teddy bear (words from I like it, I love it).

    She needed to be caressed, she needed to be wanted, she needed to be hugged. She needed affection that she had missed from her dad because she too had come from a broken home when she was young. Just as I had missed affection from my dad when I was young. But it was not my place to give affection to her or rescue her.

    There was one thing that happened in the summer of 1996 that stunned me. I was explaining something that I had done to our friend when she had fallen asleep with her feet on my lap. (I will not go into any detail in my writing for two reasons. First, I do not want to paint a picture that anybody could get off on. And second I have already confessed in detail to my pastor and to my family, so I feel I am now accountable to God and man. I have no secrets.) What I had done did not violate her, but at the same time it was very sensual. Our friend asked me, Why did you do that? My immediate response without thinking was, Because I wanted to please you. When I heard my words, I said to myself, "Where did that come from?" I had never thought of the word please before and it was only when I began to dig into the Rapha materials and books that the statement began to make sense to me.

    Listen up dads, please say to your children, I love you. Fathers please hug your children while they are children. If you are separated from your children send them cards, call them and tell them, I LOVE YOU. If you or your child have problems communicating or they are getting caught up in a controlling lifestyle they need your unconditional love more than ever before. Don’t try to preach, don’t try to send subtle messages with poetry from the card store. Buy a blank card and write just three words I love you on it. If you do not, there will be a void, an empty place in their lives that will hunger to be filled. I allowed myself to fill a need in our friend that should have been filled by her father when she was a child. What ever my friend meant when she said I used you does not matter, the truth is, I am the guilty one, I took advantage of her by putting myself into a position of power and wanting to help her with her problems. When it started I truly did love her and I still do love her. I wanted to help her. I again bastardized my gift and used her to fill my own need of love and acceptance. The truth is I used her.

    I have debated with myself over and over...should I or shouldn’t I include the following information in this book and have concluded this is a subject that must be addressed for the benefit of those who may have similar problems.

    Shortly after being married to my second wife I realized I was having a problem getting an erection. I had been to my doctor and for the first time in my life being treated for high blood, which I thought might be the cause of my problem. So when I went back for my follow-up visit, I told my doctor about my problem and asked if the blood pressure medicine might be the cause. His response came in a question. Do you wake up with an erection? My answer was yes. Then it’s not a medical problem, he said. We discussed, then concluded I needed to see a therapist. I asked him if he would make the necessary arrangement for me. He had his nurse make an appointment with a therapist before I left his office, but before I could keep my first appointment, my wife had asked me to leave, sighting financial problems as the reason for our parting. It was in the midst of my moving out of the house that she found out I had an affair.

    I became so distraught at the pain I had caused, my mind was swimming as I looked back on my life. I could see...I had the same problem for years, which without writing an X-rated novel, I will try to explain. When making love to my two wives I had always set out to please my wife first. I never though of myself until I had. Looking back, I now realize the only way I could ever reach a climax was to have my hot buttons pushed. Then and then only would I be able to climax.

    In discussing this problem with a close friend before sitting down to write this chapter I began to recall, that in twenty-four years of marriage I could remember only four or five times that I had ever asked for sex for me. Having a desire for sex when I knew I would have to leave for work within fifteen minutes, certainly would not be pleasing to my wife, and being a pleasing addict I could not allow myself to do this to my wife. My pleasure truly came from pleasing my mate. Because I loved my wife I had no problem pleasing her but I did not have an erection even during our love play. My mind would not tell me it’s your turn. This would have been for my pleasure and I felt undeserving. So unless my wife touched me in a certain way I could not climax. My wife would have to physically turn me on.

    However if I had a good day at work, the job had gone well, and even though it was Friday, (that’s the day I’d have to explain the +/- in my pay check) and I was able to find the contractor to get my paycheck only then, when all the dominoes were standing up in a row, then exercising extreme care not to knock any down, we could head for the bedroom... and maybe WALA BANG!

    Never once did I have intercourse when I was unfaithful to my wife. I was not seeking sexual satisfaction, I wanted only to please.

    Right about now you’re probably thinking, that guy’s crazy and maybe you’re right. At any rate when discussing this with my therapist and my pastor, I was asked if I had ever collected porn magazines or watched X-rated films. I answered never. I was not addicted to porn because you can not (as I have come to understand it) please a picture or an X-rated film. My goal was not to please myself.

    I told My Lady that I thought the problem in our bedroom was being compounded, by my not bringing enough money into the house. If you aren’t getting along in the kitchen, you won’t get along in the bedroom. Though I had never suspected I had a problem until my second marriage, my analysis was not far off...and I suddenly became aware that I was a very sick man.

    If you or your mate are having problems, don’t give up, don’t go looking for love elsewhere. Your problem will not go away, you will simply take it with you. If you love your mate and have an honest desire to save your marriage, you will need to do an intense search to find (not just the problem but) what caused the problem. I’m sure you’ve heard the familiar saying, any man who would try to be his own lawyer is a fool. The same is true of counseling, if you knew how to solve your problem, you wouldn’t have a problem. This is not going to be easy. I have been searching for months to find the cause of my addiction to please. It’s been rough. Nevertheless, I feel like I have found the major problem.

    When I heard the popular song “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Look-in’ For”, it touched me, it seemed to be speaking to me. All I had ever been looking for was someone who would love me. I began to write...and write...and write...and write. I wrote of what made me sad, I wrote of the pain, of the sorrow, the heartache, the anger and the shame. I spewed poison that had been crippling me for thirty-three years. Thank God I sought a Christian counselor who understands forgiveness. I had been searching for love, for someone to accept me for who I am. And only God can fill that need. The need for unconditional love can only be filled by God. I had told The Lady all my secrets, and she still loved me. I thought I had found unconditional love, I was so sure I had found what I was look-in’ for. My Heavenly Father is still on the throne and unconditional love of a mate CAN only be fulfilled through Him (Jesus).
    If a lion behaves like a kitten because you have fed, nurtured and cared for it, remember this: unless Christ himself has made it into a lamb with a new mind that is the mind of Christ, it is still a lion. Don’t allow your friend to reach into the cage to pet your lion. It could be devastating.

    Am I trying to justify myself? No way. I chose to follow my addiction to please (my dependency) to fulfill my need of wanting someone to like me. I chose to stack the deck in my favor by using my position of power and manipulation and allowed it to rule me instead of seeking help.

    I was a bastard. My conscience was numb. I had to keep myself preoccupied with room noise (T.V., radio) to deal with the pain and guilt of yet another cycle of rejection and sin, which brings rejection and sin, which bring rejection and sin. But God in his infinite mercy to save me and those I had hurt stepped in. My addiction had caused me to spend hundreds of dollars to win acceptance, and please. Then God dried up my finances and used this as a means to show my wife and I that there were deeper problems. I was asked to leave. There are times when God in his mercy will allow us to be crushed when we refuse to listen to His voice. I could not and would not listen. After I was asked to leave I reacted with verbal abuse and destructive violence to the rejection I felt. I moved my things out which near the end were being packed for me. I began to look at myself for the first time in my life. It was at this point in time I discovered my wife had found out about my infidelity. I had been seen. My false face had been ripped off and all the vile dirt was there for all to see.

    The one thing I fear the most is, I fear I have created hidden and unresolved guilt in our friend for the things she said and did, thoughts that I planted and mind pictures that I painted for the purpose of manipulating. This was done at a point in her life when she was questioning her own sexuality. I abused the position of leadership I held by hurting a person who also just wanted to please in order to be loved and accepted.

    Two very destructive things can come of this. One would be to make a case of the worst of the worst that I did and paint me as a rotten S.O.B., which I am, and I deserve it. But I grieve for our friend who may not have resolved the feelings she had and may feel guilty for them. The second thing that can happen is, she may hold hatred within that would cause the conflict within to continue on. Thoughts that maybe she caused part of the problem, knowing things were said and done that should not have been said and done. If there should be a divorce because of our relationship the questions and guilt will continue.

    God I am sorry, please forgive me. Friend I am sorry, please forgive me. I have prayed to God with much sorrow that you find counseling with a counselor who understands how forgiveness can free you of the pain and free you of any guilt that you may carry which I have caused. This one thing I have been the most concerned with and spoken of to counselors the most. I do not have to forgive you. For me to forgive you would be saying you did something wrong. You did not.

    By me asking you to forgive me, I am taking full responsibility unto myself. By you forgiving me, you are acknowledging that I take full responsibility on myself. You can then be free to start a process of healing for yourself. Please forgive me, I am very sorry.