Chapter VI

    Two Wednesdays ago I was with my therapist Dr. N.P. where we went over many different things. Just before leaving, Dr. N.P. mentioned the word power again and told me to look at it this week. I kept trying to figure out where she was going with it. The word still made no sense to me, power.   I had never used (muscular) power to force myself on anyone. I had never raped anyone. I had never (physically) hurt anyone. (I do know I have hurt many mentally.) I was only trying to please them so they would like me. It wasn't that I wanted sex for me and it wasn’t that I wanted to be fulfilled with sex. This is what did not make sense to those asking me questions in therapy. I never had intercourse with any of those who I had affairs with except Dela, who I was going to marry and my former wife and present wife. From Laura, Lynn and the others, I only wanted them to love me and thought sexual excitement for them would make them love me. I had found out when someone had gotten a hold of me when I was eleven or twelve that sex was very pleasant. I thought they were being pleased by what I was doing. I thought they would like me more and want to be with me more. It worked until the guilt set in. When I was thirteen I fantasized about marrying Laura someday and having her love me so I could live happily ever after with her. I never asked Laura for anything for me and asked maybe only four or five times total with my former or present wife. My addiction to pleasing is what drove me, to be loved unconditionally, to just love me, that’s all I ever wanted. When I was dating My Lady, although it was hard to abstain I truly did not want to have sex before we were married because I did not want that as the driving force. I just wanted to be loved. I never did ask in words with any of the other affairs I had either, I only proceeded when I thought they loved me and only proceeded then when not stopped.

    I can see now, I was one sick man.

    I brought up the question in my group therapy class. Dan then asked me to bring up my question in our next meeting the following week I brought it up, I said I don’t understand the word power.   I have never used power over anybody.   Dan said. "Power, trying to force them to like you."   I said, "I never forced them."   Dan said, "You are equating power with force and force with hurt, and that’s wrong."   Reagan another member of our class said, "Power can be super gentle."   Reagan went on to say, "after hearing me talk about being able to control an audience, to control an audience is an example of power that doesn’t use physical force.'   Lights started to go on in my head. Dan spoke up again as I was trying to take notes as fast as I could,   whether or not they liked me should have been their decision, but by manipulating them to receive pleasure, you were stacking the deck in your favor.   I used manipulative power to force them to like me.

Manipulating

A new friend of mine who is also in my group made this statement that hit me like a ton of bricks, manipulation is witchcraft and gave a definition that explained what I have done better than any dictionary. Manipulation is getting people to do or think the way that I think without them knowing it. That is exactly what I have done, and have been doing for years. I have used an unfair advantage. I have learned from years of training the art of negotiating sales, sales closing, articulating and communicating from sales seminars and thousands of hours of listening to tapes. I do not believe I did this to My Lady when dating her. I truly loved her for who she was. But I do know I have done it to every hurting person when all triggers were set that led to an illicit affair.

Apparently I did do this to my wife after we were married because she mentioned it the last week I was with her. I never saw it, until I was asked to leave. I began to see a little when I was asked to leave. I never saw myself as a controlling person. I now know that I was, since identifying it, it will be worked on. I need to understand when I do this. Do I see an answer? YES! Is there hope? YES! Can I be cured? YES! How? I need to be 100% honest in everything that comes out of my mouth. Saying nothing to impress. Saying nothing to flatter for purposes of getting something back. Speak in 100% truth. I have begun to find truth. I have begun to find faults that were wrong in me. God guard my mouth. Let me speak truth in all things at all times. Psalm 51:6 (KJV) written by King David after Nathan the prophet had come to David and told him of God's judgment against him, because of his adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah her husband. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: (our minds and hearts) and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom, purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me and I shall be whiter than snow. John 8:32 (KJV) And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.

    Please forgive me for using witchcraft (manipulation) on you and our friend. I also ask those who I have hurt to please forgive me for using witchcraft (manipulation) on you and I ask Julie the mother of my six children to please forgive me for using witchcraft (manipulation) on you.

     I hate witchcraft and manipulation is a form of witchcraft. I now hate manipulation.   God I pray that you will continue to give me a deeper understanding of manipulation so it becomes clearer to me how easily I have used manipulation to get control of people that are hurting that I hurt more. I do not yet completely understand how I used manipulation, but I pray to you Father that you will open my mind to completely understand.   I do know how I used it the week My Lady asked me to leave, but I know I tried everything in my power to save our marriage. I tried to talk, leaving messages in anger, I used the song Ain't givin' up now. I even used scripture against Pastor Jim’s advice. I love the Lady, but I could not accept the rejection. I’m sorry Lady. My Lady said she would see a counselor with me to help me, I pray that she still will. I need all the help I can get. This was before she knew about the infidelity. I pray she still will. I also pray God will touch my wife’s very wounded, broken and angered (rightfully so) heart.

     Manipulation as I now understand it repulses me also. I have stated and will state again that when a word, a song or a thought comes to mind that hits a hot button in you, write it down and work on it.

    I bought a book back in 1981 called the Seduction of Christianity. I devoured that book, highlighted, underlined and read it at least three times. This book hit my hot buttons. I did not understand why, but I do now. The book told of how tele-evangelists and churches use manipulation of religion to gain and control it’s people. Although I did not use the techniques described in the book to minister, I have used some of the same techniques personally. I now have a clearer understanding of just how people uses it’s power to rape the church. It amazes me that what we see and hate in others is usually what is a part of our own character. The way we respond to others about these hot spots (things that anger us) are clues to who we really are. What we hate most we often become? What we hate is who we may be!

People that are hurting usually do not see it. The only people who see it are those who are trained to see it or those who reject it because they understand it very well. Usually because they have had it put on them by others, controllers are very susceptible to controllers and manipulators are very susceptible to manipulators. So states Dr. McGee in Search for Significance. If we hate something in others with such intensity it is usually because we hate it within ourselves, or we have deep scars from its power from early childhood being used on us. What we find repugnant is often who we are.

We need to take David’s prayer Psalm 51:6 as David stated it I desirest truth in the inward parts (our mind and hearts) and in the hidden parts. David had hurts deep inside him. He was a ruddy faced small child. He was the shepherd boy who took care of the sheep. Shepherds were considered lower than any other profession.

    When Samuel came to his father’s house to look for a new king, because Samuel wanted to anoint and pray for a new leader, David’s father brought all of his sons to meet Samuel, except David. It never entered the father’s mind that David could be king. When David went to the battle field where he killed Goliath his brother laughed and made fun of him. The King gave David his armor to wear to kill Goliath, which was too big for him. David killed Goliath with a sling shot, with the help of God, in spite of what his father and brothers thought, David succeeds.

    We need to pray to the Father for wisdom and to search to find truth in our hidden parts and to look at our past. David understood this very well. David had prayed after talking to Nathan that his sins would not be passed down on to his people.

     Sales, negotiating, articulating, communicating- never afraid to say hello to anyone, no one was a stranger no matter where I was, never, at any age. I never met a stranger. I was outgoing, but had trouble finding love. Do I manipulate every time I open my mouth or only when I want something? Am I susceptible to manipulation, not in sales: I can usually pull their chain (or see through it). In searching for love and not wanting to lose Julie, I never saw her tantrums, slamming of doors, throwing herself on the bed, on the ground or taking our children by the hand and leaving every family outing as manipulating.   I defended her. Not any more! It was childish then, it is childish now. Apparently a master manipulator can be easily manipulated. I defended to a fault until I finally saw it years after our divorce.

    Yesterday I had some caulk on my hands that I couldn't get off and I asked my sister if she had any of that "KEY" around from the big multi-level sales group- she did have some and as always the caulk came right off. Good product. As I attempted to get just the right amount on my hands, I remember how I had been trained to demonstrate this product. Dressed in a nice white shirt and tie, I opened a can of Kiwi Black Shoe Polish, put some on my fingers and rubbed it all over both hands. Tough stuff to get off. Pour some KEY into the cap (always pour too much into the cap I was told). Take the cap and pour some into your hands, rub it in, use your clean white handkerchief (that just happened to be in your lapel pocket) and clean your hands wa-la end of demonstration? Now take the cap that you poured too much soap in and say, Oh I poured too much, and pour it back into the bottle.   That was the manipulative sentence. I did not pour too much out. I lied. I had poured an overabundant amount into that cap so I could manipulate an audience. Listening to hundreds of hours of this stuff on tape only made me a better manipulator. Quoting Phantom of the Opera, DAMN YOU.

    In Luke 17:1-2 KJV, Jesus states that, It is impossible but that offenses will come: but woe unto him through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he be cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.

     The Thompson chain reference Bible, references little ones to lambs of the fold, in their side reference notes.

     The Greek word for little (ones) is mikrous small (in size, quantity, number or (figuratively) dignity:- least, less, little, small. When I found Betty, and my wife and my friend I was finding someone who was hurting that was a part of the Good Shepherd’s flock. Jesus loves his sheep, Jesus watches over his sheep and he will not allow one to be lost, including me.