Chapter X

There are some debts that are impossible to pay off, only the death of the offender will satisfy. That is why Christ took our place. I can not pay off my debt.
    Mercy: is to pay or release the debt of another, to show compassion or forbearance, especially toward an offender, compassionate treatment of those in distress (both the offender as well as the offended).

The mercy shown me by God is undeserved favor.
    Grace: is unmerited divine assistance given man for his regeneration or sanctification (to be set apart for God’s service), a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine Grace, is a virtue coming from God.

    If a perpetrator asks forgiveness he places the responsibility of his crime totally on himself. Forgiveness does not justify a crime, but it will allow the shame and sorrow to rest on the perpetrator where it belongs.

    If the offended offers to forgive the perpetrator and the perpetrator does not feel sorrow, his victim has still been freed of the crippling effects of his or her own un-forgiveness. She can now release her offender to God, she must no longer allow herself to be his victim. She must no longer allow herself to be victimized by him. Everyone, whether adult or child, must be able to express his pain. Until he speaks of it aloud, hears his own words, shares his nightmare with another human being, he will not be well. Until he can spit out the poison, that poison will continue to rob him of the joys of life. Sadly we can spend a lifetime praying for forgiveness (which God has already granted), but we will never find peace until we can forgive those who have beaten, robbed, raped, or abused us.

    Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Would Christ have said this, if it were not so?

    When Christian counselors teach the healing power of forgiveness, their patients are on the road to recovery.

    Parents become perpetrators when they use guilt or power to control their children in order to inflate their own self-image. When normal everyday problems cause our children to fear our love will cease if they do not follow our rules to the letter. Our children and our mates need to be loved the way God loved us, unconditionally. How very sad it is to witness a parent exploiting her child for her own edification. If the child can not conform to her mother’s wishes, make straight A’s, sit, stand, and walk like the image of her perfect mother, she feels destroyed and the child feels totally humiliated, though she dare not cry because this too would be unacceptable. If she does not meet Momma’s expectations she will fall apart breaking into tears. If this kind of behavior has continued into her adult life, it probably has already become a controlling addiction, which the child, now a woman has embraced. Her loving rescuer who controlled with tears of embarrassment has created her victim. Children need to be children. Try to avoid ever embarrassing your child. Do not allow anyone else to embarrass your child. I have heard my own mother say many times that being embarrassed is worse than being whipped. Children who are subjected to this kind of abuse grow into adults feeling that they must be perfect. They will keep their doors locked so that no one drops by unexpectedly. Even though she may be married with her own home and family, she still remains the little girl trying to meet her mother’s expectations. The fear of mother dropping in unexpectedly and seeing dishes in her sink and unmade beds can bring her to tears.

    Though this young woman may have remained the perfect and dutiful daughter, her siblings may have given up trying to please their mother and with a, "nothing I ever do is right anyway," attitude have rebelled into alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, running away from home, and depression, not caring that they are breaking their mother’s heart. And sadly mother cries because she has no idea what happened to her wayward children.

    Mary Stedham, a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Abilene, Texas, and also a member of the Southern Baptist Association of Counseling and Family Ministry, answered a letter written to her in the September 1995 Homelife Magazine. Her reply to the letter was the following: The woman had a mother who motivated her by guilt, conditional love, approval, emotional instability, restricting personal relationships, dictating what her friends should be, according to her mother’s standards, and alienating any friends that she might have according to what mother thought best for her. Nobody meets mother’s approval.

    The woman was concerned, that she might be developing similar patterns in her own family, and was seeking help in breaking the cycle of destruction.

    Mary Stedham stated that, Even though she was grown she had not left behind the wounds of her childhood, and they are now manifesting their presence in her new relationships. Many of us came from families where we may have been wounded, and then we in turn marry and carry to our families where we create new wounds from those old wounds still in our lives.

    Mary states that this mother’s style of parenting is called Love is control, with this kind of treatment comes the feelings of rejection of not being loved. The mother felt that love meant controlling the other person. By controlling her daughter, the mother was protected herself from feelings of rejection.

    Christian parenting says that, Love is blessing. Mary believes that what a child wants most, from both their parents is a blessing on who they are, not on what they are. The blessing must be unconditional.

    Mary suggests they get into a group study of the Life Curriculum, Making Peace With Your Past, by Tim Sledge. She states that the material will help in their search to bring about healing through love so that the past is not repeated again

    If you are open, (honest) God has a plan. God instructs us to search and to lay down the destructive habits. There is help so that we can bring healing to our family.

    The perfect daughter who conformed to her mother’s control reacts with complete frustration into relationship after relationship, trying to mold each new conquest into the perfect marriage with the perfect mate. There is no perfect mate, you will not find one, especially one to meet Momma’s expectations. Will the next generation rebel against a life of striving to please or just give up by refusing to conform?

    When we are in this cycle of destruction, we find that every aspect of our life is distorted, including our interpretation of God’s word.

Question:       Who should be rescued?
Answer:         The victim, the abused.
Question:       Who is the victim?
Answer:         Someone who has suffered in any way. Through a trauma in their life, whether at the hands of another, a natural loss or disaster. Everyone of us needs to be rescued at some point in our lives, but God does not want you to remain a permanent victim- or rescuer. God wants to bring healing to the victim.

Victims of abuse:
    We need to pray for wisdom when dealing with victims of abuse. They are in desperate need of professional Christian counseling. Without professional counseling these poor abused souls may very well carry their pain to their children, creating yet another generation in it’s dysfunctional cycle.

Poor-Me Victims:
    Those who enjoy the role of victim, because they feel so worthless, they feel this is a way of getting attention. Victims who are made dependant on their rescuers, give the rescuer a feeling of superiority. If victims are not helped they often become perpetrators to the next generation. King David after confronting his sin went to God in sorrow and prayed, that God would forgive him, then he prayed that his sin would not be put on his people, he prayed that he might teach this to others. I prayed the same prayer.

    I will give you three examples I have witnessed personally. All three stories are true. The first was told to me as I was writing this book, the second and third stories I was the perpetrator.

    The first story is a scenario of what may happen to many girls who grow up after having been sexually abused for years by a father, or step-father. I have been told that, Many times when girls are abused they try to find ways to cover the guilt they feel, or they become numb to the guilt.   I was told by one therapist that 80 to 90% of all topless dancers were abused as children and many will dress the seductress. Another child may become very promiscuous at a very early age and continue this throughout their life. I know of one case of a schoolmate now in her forties who was one beautiful girl and still is. She had a very prominent job in my hometown and was arrested for prostitution years after she was out of school. I have known the girl since we were both eleven years old. In another case, children may pretend they are asleep so as to not be part of what is going on. Girls that do this may date, make out then again pretend they are asleep until guilt, anger and rage cause them to erupt at a boyfriend to cover the guilty feeling in themselves for allowing things to go too far. When a young lady lays down with a young man and things go too far who is at fault?

    Who sinned? The young lady will be adamant that the young man sinned. The young man feels he was seduced with the clothing the young lady was wearing and her leading him on. At what age are we accountable? Who is guilty? There are three people guilty. The father, (when she was a child), the young man when he took her to bed, and the girl (for her part with the young man). And yes, there is an answer in God’s word. It is found in Nehemiah 9:1-3,    34-38:

The People Confess Their Sins

    On October 10 the people returned for another observance; this time they fasted and clothed themselves with sackcloth and sprinkled dirt in their hair. And the Israelis separated themselves from all foreigners. The laws of God were read aloud to them for two or three hours, and for several more hours they took turns confessing their own sins and those of their ancestors. And everyone worshiped the Lord their God.

    Our kings, princes, priests, and ancestors didn’t obey your laws or listen to your warnings. They did not worship you despite the wonderful things you did for them and the great goodness you showered upon them. You gave them a large, fat land, but they refused to turn from their wickedness.

    So now we are slaves here in the land of plenty that you gave to our ancestors! Slaves among all this abundance! The lush yield of this land passes into the hands of the kings whom you have allowed to conquer us because of our sins. They have power over our bodies and our cattle, and we serve them at their pleasure and are in great misery. Because of all this, we again promise to serve the Lord! And we and our princes and Levites and priests put our names to this covenant.

    God completely understands how the sins of our ancestors will put us into slavery and make us a victim. He understands that the sins that our ancestors put on us made them the perpetrator of evil and slavery, but as we continue to be controlled by that sin and slavery we also need to confess our own sins. The people did not know of their own sins until they themselves heard the word.

    They isolated themselves from those outside their tribe in search of the sin within themselves and the sins of their ancestors and confessed to both the sins of themselves and sins of their ancestors. The word of God enabled them to understand.

    The father in this story needs to be confronted for his sin. This father desperately needs help, needs to stand before the reading of the Law (both God’s and man’s). This father needs to answer to that law. As a child the sexual fondling may have felt good to the child but she is in no way guilty of the abuse that the father put on her. Sadly she has taken on a controlling promiscuity that she needs to ask forgiveness for. If the young lady confesses the sins of her father, she will realize why she has become sexually promiscuous and she will receive God’s healing. Her father left her with a legacy of guilt that she is desperately trying to escape. As a child she may have learned to pretend she was sleeping to convince herself she was not in any way to blame for what was happening to her, for what was happening to her was totally the father’s fault. She then started dating and took on the sins of her ancestors , wanting to be touched by her boyfriend, which is very natural so she pretended she was sleeping when his hands wandered. Then to alleviate her guilt she screamed in anger at her boyfriend. The anger of course is not at the boyfriend, it is at her father.

    God wants to heal and has made a way for us to be healed, simply by confessing and asking God’s forgiveness. Ask God for forgiveness of the chains that have been put on us, and ask that these chains be removed so that we may be freed.

    The father in this story has taken something from the child that can never be replaced. It is a reprehensible act. The damage that has been done will cause problems for years. During my last group session I brought up the subject of how the young girl in this story wore very seductive clothing. The doctor said that, many times an abused child will be drawn toward more sexual abuse throughout their lives because it is now a part their life.   He said that, I have counseled many topless dancers with horrible self-image problems.

    Mike Statham a licensed professional counselor and family life minister at the First Baptist Church, Abilene, Texas, and a member of the Southern Baptist Association of Counseling and Family Ministry wrote about this subject in the September 1995 Homelife Magazine. The heading for this article was a quote of scripture, Col. 3:13 NIV, Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another, forgive as the Lord forgave you.

    A mother wrote to Mike explaining what had taken place in her home and asked for insight. She stated that, she had a teenage daughter that she had recently learned had been sexually molested by her second husband.   She went on to say that since they were Christians that she was hurt, angry and confused. Her friend felt that she should stand by her daughter, but this was financially difficult since her husband left.

    Mike Stedham in answer, stated that, Although it may be tough financially, you have done the correct thing by standing by your daughter. Abused victims not only look back on what the perpetrator did, but look at how the other parent responded. The daughter will remember with gratitude her mother, who stood by her in a very difficult situation.

    Mike states that, The very sad truth is that sexual abusers are very often morally upright people. Such allegations are a great surprise because the profile of a sexual abuser does not fit. Your feelings of hurt, anger and being confused are normal and you should continue to work with the situation in light of the feelings you are experiencing.

    Mike states that, You should ask, >What responsibility if any has the husband taken for his actions? If he denies or shows little or no remorse, you should hesitate to even bring him back into your life and put your daughter at risk again.

    Sexual abusers can be very persuasive and manipulative. The perpetrator must take responsibility for their actions, and as part of his responsibility seek professional help. Yes, God’s forgiveness is available to him, but it must follow sincere repentance.

    Jesus was willing to forgive the adulterous woman in John 8 and Mike states that, Her husband’s molestation of her daughter was a form of infidelity. Jesus spoke and said, >Neither do I condemn thee, go and sin no more! If her husband has not shown repentance for what he has done, then his sin will probably reoccur.

    Mike suggest that both mother and daughter seek professional help, and states that the daughter’s recovery process does not have to be long if needs are addressed as soon as possible.

    Stedham concludes by stating that, Many families have gone through this experience and emerged with stronger family bonds than before.

    From King David who seduced Bathsheba by using his power to pastors andn counselors and even myself by being in a position where I could help people that are hurting, to a father or step-father who is also in a position of power, may we as leaders never use our power to manipulate the vulnerable or innocent. It is wrong. It is a sin before God.

    I can see where marriages may become even stronger after working through this type of dependence, but they will have to search and openly talk about their hurts.

    Paul addresses a problem of incest in the Corinthian church. The problem was going on in the church with the church’s knowledge. Apparently the church had put on a blind fold and were telling themselves that everything was alright. The church’s denial of illicit sexual activity and abuse however will only build barriers between ourselves and others. Such denial allows the problems to fester until families are torn apart. Paul told the church to confront the man and to put him out of the church until he repented. I Corinthians 5:1-5.

    Paul was looking for the same attitudes that God wants, a repentant heart. After the man repented Paul gave the church instructions again. II Corinthians 2:5-11, Remember that man I wrote about, who caused all the trouble, has not caused sorrow to me as much as to all the rest of you- though I certainly have my share in it too. I don’t want to be harder on him than I should. He has been punished enough by your united disapproval. Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so bitter and discourage that he won’t be able to recover. Please show him now that you still do love him very much. I wrote to you as I did so that I could find out how far you would go in obeying me. When you forgive anyone, I do too. And whatever I have forgiven (to the extent that this affected me too) has been by Christ’s authority and for your good. A further reason for forgiveness is to keep from being outsmarted by Satan, for we know what he is trying to do.

    As you will read in the next story, if your are an abuser, you need help just as I needed help. I only knew of the hurt I had caused Lynn, and I know that I have personally put sorrow on Jesus Christ. I have prayed that I could know and feel her sorrow.

    Mike Stedham in his article suggests getting a copy of the book Shelter From The Storm. It is a Christian based approach for those who have been sexually abused.

    In the second story, I was the perpetrator, I put the chains of bondage on my younger step-sister when I was a young teenager. I too had been placed in bondage. I was chained to an addiction trying to please, desperate to please to receive love and in so doing I put the chain of guilt on my younger step-sister that she has carried for thirty-three years. And as I have been confronted with my sins, I have also been confronted with the sorrow I put on my step-sister. I have been forced to see just how badly I hurt her.

    We were both young but I was old enough to know that what I was doing was wrong. My step-sister was not. I talked with her on the telephone about ten years ago, she was very pleasant and gave me no reason to suspect she was hurting but in talking with her older sister several years later I was told that Laura had been in therapy for years because of something that I had done. She had problems in her marriage because of me.   The terrible sorrow I felt for her pain led to my looking at myself. I had asked God when I was a boy to forgive me for what I had done, but there was much more that needed to be done to bring healing to Lynn. I needed to lift the guilt from Lynn and place it totally on myself. I am the guilty one. I wanted desperately to ask Lynn to forgive me so that the blame would be put where it belonged. This I have finally done. If Lynn can forgive me she will in turn put the blame where it belongs, on me. I totally accept the blame. Lynn was totally blameless. I prayed as I wrote this book that God would release her from the guilt that I inflicted on her. I have prayed for Lynn and her marriage. I pray that she will allow the Lord to be her rescuer for through the love of God, God will bring healing. I pray and ask forgiveness of all those I have hurt.

    In my third story, again I perpetrated the crime, this time against my son, which was perpetuated for years after my son, had forgiven me. Let me explain. When my oldest son was eight or nine years old he was a master at inventing excuses to get out of going to school. My son was very adapt at pulling the wool over his mother’s eyes and if I were not at home in the morning my son usually got to stay home. Then by 2:30 or 3:00 o clock he seemed to be well enough to play. Whereas if I were at home I could usually see through his stories because the master story teller was not my son, but his dad. I mean to tell you the movie Ferris Buhler’s Day Off was probably written about my youth.

    One day my son (second only in story telling and excussitis to myself) said he was sick with a bellyache. I told him to go to school, but his mother kept him home, after I left for work and Julie took him to the doctor where it was found that his appendix had ruptured. He was rushed to the hospital and into surgery. I rushed to the hospital. I was heartsick, I cried, Son how was I supposed to know you were really sick? You have got to be truthful with me. When you keep crying wolf, how was I to know when there really was a wolf? I’m so sorry son, please forgive me for not believing you.   Then in a weak voice I heard him say, I forgive you.   That should have been the end of it but it wasn’t, it continued on for years. My son was a handful, always fighting with his older sister. Then one day he pushed her and she hit a window and went through it. His mother asked him, Are you angry because your dad didn’t believe you (two years before) when you said you were sick?   Now I ask you, when given a choice between major discipline and being given an out, which would you choose? I was blamed for his behavior. Next we had an incident when my son and some boys in our neighborhood decided to put sugar in the tank of a neighbor’s van just as a police car was turning the corner. They were caught red-handed. I made arrangements with a friend to have the van towed, the gas tank removed, cleaned and replaced. I and the fathers of the other boys made arrangements for our boys to pay off the debt. As I recall my son was the only one who paid off his debt by going into the pie business (he baked great pies). His mother asked the same question again, Did you do this because of the anger you’re holding against your dad for not believing you?

    Prolonging the protection of a victim may at times reinforce their role as victim. If resaving continues past their healing or their healing is not brought about by the understanding of forgiveness, the victim may continue to be a victim of his past and use this as an excuse for his unacceptable behavior. With professional counseling the victim will learn when to put aside the role of the victim and we as the rescuer should adhere to the advice of a professional Christian counselor who will also direct us in our treatment of the victim. There is a very fine line in knowing when to hang on and when to let go that will need God’s guidance. The rescuer role played out for years as a way of controlling our son. Thereby validating her role as rescuer. It also validated her role as the victim of me. My son was just another victim.

Why Would I Open Myself Up to the World?

    I have been asked by many, Why would you be so open in admitting your sins?   I have been told by others, I would never expose my secret.   My answer is always the same, God didn’t hide Sampson’s sin or King David’s sin, why should I hide mine?

    Sampson played with fire over and over by lying with one woman after another until it cost him his sight and freedom. In the end Sampson repented and still accomplished what God called him to do.

    In the Bible Story which can be found in II Samuel 11:1-27, 12:1-13 it says, Then it happened in the spring at the time when kings go to battle...but David stayed in Jerusalem.

    King David, like myself, was not where he was supposed to be.

    Now when evening came David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house, and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful in appearance.

    David just stood there: nothing to do, couldn’t sleep. Next thing, David sent someone to find out who the woman was. She was married, the wife of Uriah, one of his soldiers; but he sent for her anyway.

Manipulation: Using power for an unfair advantage.

    David was king. Bathsheba was his subject. She could not say no to him. First he used his power to bring her to himself, and then he used his power to seduce her. The next thing you know, she sent word to him. She was pregnant, and her husband was out at Desert Storm!

    King or not, David knew he had broken the law, so he needed to cover his tracks. He sent for Bathsheba’s husband Uriah, hoping he would come home and have relations with his wife.

    No way! This Uriah was a committed soldier. He came back into the city at the command of the king, but he refused to sleep in comfort with his wife while his fellow warriors still were in the heat of battle.

    David tried another tactic. He got Uriah drunk and then ordered him home.

    No use! Uriah left the king’s presence only to fall asleep outside his door with the king’s servants. Uriah the devoted, honorable soldier was becoming a real problem to David the guilty king who was trying desperately to cover his own tracks.

    What did David resort to next? Murder. Coldly, he sent a sealed letter back into battle in Uriah’s own hands, ordering Uriah’s death. Before long, he was dead: killed at the command of his beloved, but adulterous, king.

    Some justice! David took Uriah’s wife for his own.

    I, like King David, was where I should not have been. I looked and listened, took the chance and then sinned just as King David did. Then I tried to cover up my sin, but that only got me in deeper and deeper.

    With me, somebody caught me. Somebody saw me. When they did, my false face was ripped off, and all the crude, vile wickedness that I had kept hidden for years was there and they saw it. There I was, entangled in a web of deceit, and sin. What would I do? Would I do what King David did: kill the victim that I might not be exposed? No way, because I loved the very persons whom I had victimized!

    Don’t wait until you are ruined by the secrets in your life. My discovers talked to me. They told me to get out of town; get help somewhere else. Instead, I faced up to my problem for the first time. I acknowledged I needed help. I was tired of hiding. I made up my mind then and there, This is it! It’s over!

    I went to God again, and prayed just like I had many, many times, God forgive me and He did. Then the reality of the truth of what was in my life began to hit me hard, so I went back to Him again and again, crying and asking Him.   Forgive me.

    He did forgive me. He forgave me just like every other time I went to Him before. But every other time I ever prayed before, I got up from prayer and then I handled it.   I tried clearing my mind, changing my ways, thinking, doing and being different.

    This time though it had to be different from all the others. Ever since I was a teenager, and that’s over thirty years now, this one problem has just kept coming back and coming back. This time it had to end, for good!

    This time I confessed my faults to another and made myself accountable. The rest of my story is written in this book. I pray that you may learn from my story and King David’s. God did not hide David’s sin. It was written so that we might learn from it. David confessed his sin then prayed to God to break the dysfunctional cycle, by praying that his sin would not be passed onto his people. God Himself said of David, David is a man after my own heart.   What a beautiful compliment to a man that had fallen so badly.