Chapter XI

_Fear of Rejection

_Controlling
_Accomplish Goals- to win approval

_Rejection
_Guilt
_Hurt
_Manipulation (to get attention)
_Anger
_Loneliness
_Denial

    Original notes I wrote, concerning accomplishing my own I would strive to start a business to please Julie and My Lady and to be able to give to please.

    With my Dad it was to accomplish a successful money-making business so he can be proud of me.)

    Other definitions that fit co-dependency are in bondage to pleasing somebody and being dependant on making someone else happy (my pleasing of others became an addiction.)

    Co-dependency is not a bad word, co-dependants are some of the most generous, giving, sensitive, intelligent, articulate, people on earth.

    Co-dependents are also hurting, lonely people who desperately want and need to be loved. The fear of reality is partly the fear of losing who you are. However broken and painful their self-concepts, it may be all they have.

    [Blame it on somebody else, blame it on something else if you want to. It won’t be hard to justify your actions, you will be able to find those who will agree with you. Friend, look at their lives, has it worked for them? To continue to put your faith into what is controlling you will only allow loneliness and heartache to continue. I choose to get my approval from God, it’s unconditional.]

Continuing again Pat Springle states that:

Defense Tactic of Daydreaming

    Daydreaming is a sign of a co-dependants extreme perspective. They fantasize and daydream about making millions, being praised, loved and respected and having all the things beautiful they ever dreamed of, especially the love of the dysfunctional people in their lives. Daydreams will reflect either the negative worst case scenario, or the grand, glorious, dreams of the best-possible scenario. These dreams and images can be quite detailed, intense and emotional, bringing up all the dreams and/or self pity hidden deep down with us in the heart.

    (I always daydreamed on the positive side. Many daydreams included an escape from the abuse and neglect-like daydreams of escaping from the painful relationship to one with a tender, strong, wise and comforting lover. Dreams of rescuing or being abandoned on an island with someone alone usually with the hurt one I had been with.) The fantasies reflect the co-dependants buried hurts, desires for affirmations and their fear of being hurt yet again.

    [I was telling my brother-in-law how my childhood love affairs were very intense. My daydreams from first grade on were very, very intense. My love of Kathy Stean still can bring up memories of the little dress she had on with pictures of packets of seeds on it. My picture of Gay, when I heard her sing Tiny Ribbons for Her Hair, bring memories of me singing to her and winning her heart. These daydreams were very real, the affection I got in return was not. My daydreams of Julie A were of she and I singing and Julie A playing the piano for me so I could sing for the Lord and win people to Him. Since those daydreams were not sexual addiction but pleasing addiction (dependency) to receive love, my mind would only think of what was pleasing. I could think about loving Julie A and think about serving the Lord. Think about others and think about pleasing them sexually. I wasn’t after sex for me, but I used sexual pleasing of others to manipulate, (apparently) thinking that they would like me. That’s all I ever wanted. Someone just to like me. If I had wanted sex, there are a lot of bones out there I could have jumped. I can see now that this is why I never had intercourse nor asked for it. My fantasy was to rescue and spend my life on an island somewhere having someone love me. As I am writing this, I am being reminded of how many times I have had fantasies of being shipwrecked on some island and holding in my arms whoever I was currently using (as I see it now) in my fantasies.

    Playing the Numbers Game
The fantasy sometimes would be written down in what I call now the numbers game.

40	41	42	43	44	45	46	47	48	49	50
90	91	92	93	94	95	96	97	98	99	100
84	85	86	87	88	89	90	91	92	93	94
45	46	47	48	49	50	51	52	53	54	55

    Ha, if I only live until I’m 92 I still will have lived half my life with My Lady if reconciled. We could ride a lot of carousels in forty-seven years. If we do not reconcile both of us still have half of our lives in front of us.

    I married Julie thinking I could help her grow, after all when I met her she had just been born again, I thought I could please her by helping her. As she grew spiritually the need to help faded and the pleasure of trying to please became harder and harder as she complained more and more. My daydreaming then went back to Julie (A) who was untouchable except in dreams. Then it went back to those I had pleased in the past.

    All of these dreams were a way to escape. In grade school from rejection at home. When married to Julie B from rejection from her. The years after divorce from Julie I wasn’t getting rejection so I didn’t need an outlet to please. No rejection, no problem. After I married I started getting rejection again from all sides and finally from My Lady as the feeling of inadequacies as a provider fell apart as my job failed. The circle of failure then moved into the bedroom.

    In the following three paragraphs notes were taken from Untangling Relationships. In these notes Pat Springle states that: People with a compulsion to please and control tend to live their life and understand there life in extreme.

    Blinders : are to restrict a horse’s view and remove distractions (except to see forward or where they are under control to be lead and directed to go). Blinders ensure that the horse has a one-track mind.

    The blinders I have had on have restricted the view of life and pain. They remove any new or helpful information that could have challenged the blindness. Blinders represent control because I used these blinders I had put on when very young to adopt to behavior and thinking of others. I never saw any kind of manipulation when married until after I was gone. The blinders stopped me from seeing Julie run off from every family outing by grabbing the children’s hands and leaving. I should have said, Julie, grow up, you’re acting like a spoiled child.   I never saw it. I just defended Julie, after all she was my wife. I found I did this with employees, my father, my mother and My Lady.   Blinders also will restrict the co-dependant’s view of life. They also will restrict objectivity as to:

Defending the Offender
Redefining the Pain
Proclaiming Perfect Perception
Keeping Busy
Pleasing People

    My new understanding of the wearing of blinders would also explain tunnel vision. Standing in a tunnel it may appear to be ten feet in looking straight ahead with the view from an open end maybe thirty feet in front of you. You see hurts in front of you, but deep down inside you know that you’re the S.O.B. , that’s the problem. You know that what’s at the back of the tunnel is garbage. Therefore, you try to justify. You try to throw all of the blame into what you see that is straight in front of you. You do not see control, you do not see manipulation, you see only rejection, and rejection is what you react to. The rejection is what drives you. Rejection is the trigger that sets you off, when you fail, you blame the rejection for setting you off. But wait a minute, when you and I turn to our addiction we receive further rejection . This rejection we earned. A cycle, a habit, a cute thing, a dare- a thing we did to receive acceptance from our peers or our parents has brought slavery and chains again. Any addiction- be it a high, a thrill, a release from the pain and rejection of youth, can take control again and again when we do not know how or why we use them.

    As God has removed my blinders and through counseling and prayer improved my perception, I am coming out of the tunnel. I can start to see how I was addicted to pleasing people to receive love, to receive worth and affection. I was crying, Somebody, somebody love me. Somebody, somebody please accept me. Somebody, somebody please just smile at me.   I would strive desperately to receive anybody’s love and for them to want to be with me. I would do anything to protect myself from someone who for any reason did not like me.

    The problem touched every aspect of my life including business. I have had up to sixteen men working for me at one time. When I had a problem with an employee it turned my guts inside out to have to handle the problem. In twenty years of construction I have never fired one man. In one case, I had hired a very close friend that my insurance man had told me was accident prone because of the record of hospital claims that he had been a part of he needed to be let go. I could not do it, but because he was not the best carpenter, I took $0.50 from his hourly rate and gave it to another whom I made foreman. My friend quit.

    In another case I had a really bad employee who would not learn how to read a ruler even after I made a scale on cardboard to help him learn. He was in the middle of a divorce and his children were in my Children’s Church. When discussing this with Charlie who ran the job when I wasn’t there he said, I’ll be glad to do it for you. Charlie tore this guy up one side and down the other with words I could have been sued for. When the man came back to me to try to get his job back, I just told him that I would have to stand behind Charlie because I would not jump the chain of command. I’m not proud of this. I should have had the guts to handle it myself. I lied to him.

    I became a master with words and protected myself with manipulation. I manipulated both ways, to protect and to receive. If someone did reach out and touch me I usually read it wrong.

    I love My Lady but I sometimes wonder if I fell in love with her falling in love with me. When dating I truly wanted to do what was right before God. I did not kiss My Lady until our third date and then I shook her hand first then I said to myself I think this is the time to kiss her cheek so I did. Somehow we did not have relations until our honeymoon. I wonder if I was the quest. If this is the case did we then just have a nice six month legal love affair?

    But what is dating? What is courting? Is being the quest wrong? No. That’s how many marriages start. So what went wrong? When My Lady stopped smiling at me in the kitchen and I couldn’t please her in the kitchen, I couldn’t please in the bedroom. It is sometimes very hard to please. So here I am the addict who now knows what his triggers are, rejection: I got rejection from my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, from the stepchildren because their mom was now sharing her time with me and then My Lady was no longer pleased with me. All addicts have triggers that set them off. Mine were financial problems, (no money for coffee gave me a pain in my chest that I could feel). Now I felt like a total failure. Financial, rejection (x 5) and opportunity. All three were in their order at the same time. I fell hard, I was addicted and became totally controlled to my addiction that I had handled (controlled) for over seven years. But this time when I fell I took full responsibility for my fall and for the first time went for professional help. This time I am going through three 12-step programs at the same time and I am getting ready to teach a 12-step program on how to overcome co-dependency at my church.

    With the help of professionals, counseling and prayer I am beginning to see how tunnel vision has affected all areas of my life.

    In Untangling Relationships, Pat Springle writes, Instead of honestly feeling the hurts of betrayals and experiencing the anger of being hurt, we usually defend the offender. "It’s not really her fault’.

    As a young man I felt called to the ministry and have spent years with the frustration of being called to preach and trying to do what I felt deep down I was supposed to be doing caused me to try many things to start my ministry. I blamed it on Julie for blocking goals and in complete desperation I said, I wish I had never known of my calling or had never been called.   I ask you now, how could God bless a ministry when I had the garbage I had in my life?

    It took God to get a hold of me in his mercy and grace to remove the cancer-eating addiction. I wrote a short letter to Julie simply saying, Julie, I am sorry I ever blamed you for stopping my ministry. Sam.   I got a phone call a week later when Julie called to tell me that she loved me and wanted to see me get healed. Seeking counseling with your pastor or to a Bible based counselor is not hanging out your dirty laundry for all to see.   It is James 5:16, confessing your faults one to another, for prayer so that you can be healed. To deny this truth to one or instruct any one to do otherwise is contrary to God’s word and denies healing and recovery to those who would follow their instruction. Anyone who would mislead a family member is only concerned with their own selfish desire to protect their own false face they are painting for the world to see.

    Not only am I eager to seek counseling, I am willing to share with others so that they might be delivered from their controlling addictions. If you could look into my eyes, study my face you would find the false face has been removed so you may learn from the lines that have been etched there by my addiction. Since starting my search into myself with the help of a social worker and new friend, my pastor, two doctors of psychology, a 12-step program facilitator and my 12 Step Life Recovery Bible, I have found the answer to why I could not rid myself of my life controlling addiction. It took the help of others who now know what my dirty laundry looks like. I’m ashamed of it, but I ain’t hiding it.

Why I could not rid myself -           No accountability
Why it happened -                           To ease the pain of rejection

When it happened -                         During financial troubles and after rejection

How it happened -                         By controlling and manipulation

    Several years ago I attended a class entitled Making Peace With Your Past using Rapha materials. After only three classes I concluded that there was no problem whatsoever with my parents. The last class I was in I described how at the age of ten when my mother had taken a handful of pills that she had done it to get attention when I was asked, Do you think having to make that kind of decision when you were ten is normal?   I did not have an answer, but I could see no problem making that decision. I now see I was forced to leave a part of my childhood behind and had to become the little man as my mother called me. The little rescuer. The hurts I have found ran very deep.

    In my life I did have blinders on. When, in my case, you are a co-dependant and an addict you do have tunnel vision. You can only see in front of you because your stand or your eyes are in the middle. You can not see behind you. So what do you see? You have become a co-dependent.

    In Untangling Relationships, Pat Springle states that: “Co-dependants will use all sorts of activities to help keep themselves too busy to look at themselves or to feel. They will join clubs, do church work, watch television- non-stop. Activities often are the anesthetic that deadens the pain of an empty and hurting life. They may feel that something has got to be wrong in their life, but haven’t a clue what it might be.”

    With Julie B, the mother of my six children, I used all of the above. I worked in my barn and sat in a comfortable chair to become a T.V.-aholic. I would watch T.V. until I was so tired I fell asleep the minute I hit the bed. When My Lady and I were first married I really enjoyed going to bed early, but as problems arose with my step-children, then with money problems, I found myself wanting to stay up and help my step-daughter with her homework or whatever needed to be done in the house. I found myself spending less and less time with my wife. This eased the pain I was feeling at not being the man I was supposed to be for my wife. I stayed up later and later watching T.V. and got up later and later to protect myself from the rejection I received from My Lady and my step-children at breakfast.

    When you have a poor self-image of yourself even the rejection of a cutting remark from a stepchild can cut to the quick. When you feel you have a friend even if it’s a child and they turn on you, you will react with hurt and anger. I know I sing well, I know how my voice has been used to touch people, that is what God gave me. But when you don’t know who you are, and you are trying to protect yourself and you are covering secrets from your past, the bad manners of a child that cuts you will destroy your confidence and bring pain. I found myself fighting and name calling just like a child that had been hurt. Now that I know who I am, I can see it was just a case of bad manners from a child who should have been taught better.

    As the rejection I felt grew from all sides, I found other ways to ease the pain. I went on a search. I did not understand that the rejection was driving me. I just knew I needed someone to love me and accept me. The harder it is to receive love and acceptance in one area the greater the drive to get love and acceptance to cover the pain in other areas.

Pat Springle in Untangling Relationships states the following:
Controlled By Others:
Co-dependants: those who are controlled, like you and I, attempt to fill our needs by trying to please others and because we are not accepted unconditionally, we try to earn acceptance by attempting to do all the right things, in the right ways. Co-dependants (those being controlled) need to be in control; they have an, "I have to," attitude to be in absolute control of their lives so that they won’t fail or become a failure in the eyes of whomever is still in control.

    The question here is who are YOU really trying to please? Who are you trying to control? Who is really in control? The proverb, What we see in others and hate is usually what we are.   This is why God wants us to search and confess the sins of our ancestors. God himself knows that we take on and embrace what has been passed down to us. That is why we need to see it, confess it and leave it behind. The Israelites wept with tears and sorrow over the sins of their ancestors because that is what brought heartache, destruction and slavery to them.

    I would add here that, when we are embarrassed to the point of tears because our children are so out of control, when we try to impose our will on others to keep them in total control to be what we think they should be and do what we think they should do we will cause them to rebel. Or we may hate the controls that were imposed on us to such a degree that we allow our children to be totally our of control, both cases are the extreme.

    When fear of embarrassment is so intense that it causes a headache and tears or when fear of embarrassment is so intense that it takes a week of cleaning the house from top to bottom because your parents are coming for dinner, when fear of embarrassment is so intense that doors are locked and lights turned out so friends will not come to call, I ask you if this were you, would you not think that just maybe you are being controlled?

    If the fear of embarrassment is so intense to please those we are controlled by, how are we ever going to stand by what we may want for our own life? The intensity of the controls that we allow to be put on us will govern our choices throughout our lives to control and try to change our loved ones to conform to the desires of our controllers. If we have been pushed beyond looking at where we are or what we are doing objectively, and refusing to seek counsel, we are only proving that we too are living life with blinders on and that we too have tunnel vision.

    My addiction to please pushed me to find people who were easier to please. Others stay locked in to pleasing those who control them. Both are controlling addictions, both will bring destruction. Both will make us blind to the hurts we cause others. I confess I have caused horrible pain to many and I am deeply sorry. According to scripture I must and have asked those I have hurt (and I have hurt many) to please forgive me.

    Pat Springle continues in Untangling Relationships by stating that:

Motivation By Guilt:
Guilt is a primary motivator which produces the "I have to" mentality way of thinking. I feel no freedom to fail (in my case with business) because I see it as a risk of losing love and respect. (For this reason I have been driven to obsessive compulsive behaviors.) I must do all the right things, say the right thing at the right moment (clever remarks).

    Compulsion to be right (high on my list)

    When sitting in on an Idea Think Tank if my ideas weren’t accepted, I felt that I as well as my ideas had been rejected.

    Continuing Pat Springle statements concerning
    Hurt and Anger

    Hurt and anger will go together. Hurt is result of feeling moved and not being valued by those you love and cherish. It also comes from feelings of being abandoned, used and condemned.

    Anger is the reaction toward the source of hurt, I showed anger toward both Julie and My Lady. After is was all over, I realized it had be displaced anger. We had agreed that neither of us would ever say, that reminds me of my former mate.   I was extremely angry because My Lady refused to sit for counseling with our pastor or with any counselor. I stated out right, You’re just like Julie.   Julie had said to me, "Why should I go for help, you’re the one with the problem."   My answer to Julie was, If we can’t sit down together, there is no hope, get a divorce.   I did not want a divorce then nor do I want a divorce now. I love My Lady. The thought of our marriage being over put me into a rage. I lashed out with verbal abuse, slamming doors. Trying to talk every five or ten minutes with another I am right line into the wee hours of the morning. For two weeks after being put out of the bedroom, I would go to her room and rant and rave. I am sorry. I took out my anger over Julie on My Lady. I was wrong.

   I saw Julie as the poor victim who was always running to anybody who would listen, including the children and their boyfriends. She was a child running to children. If Julie could make me out as the perpetrator she could play the part of the poor little victim, this way she could get the children and everybody she could find to rescue her. The cycle continues- we find Julie’s rescuers are themselves people with blinders who get their worth in life from rescuing the poor victim. However if the rescuer starts to see through their constant need for attention and gets fed up with it, the new rescuer then becomes the perpetrator or sides with the perpetrator or so called perpetrator. They (in the eyes of the victim) immediately become the perpetrator (offender).

    Pat Springle continues in Untangling Relationships by explaining feeling lonely. He states that: