Chapter XIV

Chapter XIV

Let’s Talk

    Be open to sit down for counseling. You must admit and share. I have been told that most men will not sit down for counseling. If you are a woman and have a man that is willing to look at himself, a man that is willing to go for counseling, please go with him. You have been blessed. In seeking counseling, be sure the class (counselor) believes in a 12 Step program that teaches a belief in a higher power (God). When seeking counsel make sure the counselor has a personal belief in God and understands God’s mercy and forgiveness completely. The first counselor I went to told me two things emphatically, "You will probably never get back with your wife," then, "you will never be cured."   I went to a second counselor and called a third. When I told the third one I was angry that someone would say, You can’t be cured, he told me that I needed to return and deal with my anger, when I talked with another and read Rapha material, I was told, It’s alright to have anger.   Jesus had anger. Jesus tore up a flea market outside of the temple and ran all the merchants out of the marketplace. Let me tell you Jesus was angry. He chased them out with a whip. (Go Indiana Jones.) God said, "I will cure you."   I believe in healing, I believe in prayer and I believe in hope. If you think I am going to allow someone to disagree with God and destroy my hope, you better believe -- I am going to get angry. I kept searching and I found a counselor who personally believes his counseling is his ministry and mission field in life. In my case, although I was willing to go to counsel, I do not believe I would have been totally open until my false face had been ripped off, so God knew what he was doing in allowing my wife to ask my to leave.

    If you are on the hurting end of a relationship and may have separated from someone you love, go to God, and ask for wisdom. The book of Hosea will give you complete instructions on how to handle the problem. Hosea did not enable his mate by supporting her addiction. Hosea cut off her funds. Hosea allowed Gomer to fall as far as she could fall until Gomer saw her need. I am thankful that My Lady did the same thing for me. At the time I saw My Lady as obstinate. As I started to look at myself I later saw that it was justified abstinence. Contradictory terms, but a true statement. When My Lady stood her ground, I started on a journey that has changed my life. A week later my son was kidnapped. It was two days before I found that my oldest son had taken him to another state. I was put into the wilderness alone where God could speak to me, where God would have my total attention, where I could hear Him speak. You’re probably angry and your mate will probably hold resentment and hurts also. A third party or letter through a third party may be a way to start. Do stand firm, look and listen, pray for wisdom and look at the prayer in Hosea 6:1-3, then look at what God says in the verse before. If the words are more about the hurts and wounds that your mate has received and there is very little or no remorse for sin, God’s not through with your mate yet. Do what God did in Hosea 5:15, Going back home? It’s not time. Let their fields dry up and let their pockets become empty, until they admit their guilt and look to God for help. Leave them in God’s hands. Continue to pray that God will open their mind and hearts to His word.

    While God is doing his work in your mate, keep studying in God’s word and praying. If your mate is an alcoholic or drug co-dependant, Alanon has great program to help you deal with and learn to understand your mate. I would personally recommend the Life Recovery Bible by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. If your mate is an addict, overeater, under eater, addicted to drugs, alcohol or any other kind of substance, addicted to pornography, physical or sexual abuse, your mate has a sickness. If your mate is looking for help, willing to get help and is not in denial that he has a problem there is hope for you and your mate. As we studied earlier there’s a cure. If your mate had cancer you probably would not leave him. If your mate had cancer you would probably get everything you could put your hands on to find a cure and help for your loved one. Study the Life Recovery Bible, tear it apart, eat it’s words, and let the Word become a part of you. When you met your mate you probably would not have married or even dated them if you had not seen qualities in them that you love. When you married your mate you committed before God to love and cherish in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. If your mate becomes sick, he or she needs your help. They need your love. By studying in the 12 Steps in the Life Recovery Bible God will give you an understanding of God’s will in recovery.

    What you are looking for in your mate can be found in the last chapter of Hosea: sorrow for sin, admission of their sin, totally surrendering their life to God’s control. If your mate has truly been cured of his addiction he will have growth with deep roots in God’s word, reaching out to help others as the branches of the olive tree, his finances will be in order as God blesses his harvest and a hatred for his former sin. Hosea stayed away from his wife for many days. This was very wise. I believe in my heart my separation from my wife is also God’s plan. I still have a great many things to straighten out in my life and I feel the time I spend in God’s word will help me establish roots that will help me stand strong.

    When after much prayer you feel it is time to approach your mate, follow the instructions from God’s word in Hosea 2:14, But I will court her again (You will have to start over, courting is a time to get to know each other. Courting is not a time for the bedroom scene. Don’t destroy your courtship by jumping the gun) and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak to her tenderly there.   (The wilderness is a quiet place, a place where you will speak softly and tenderly. Remember if you are courting you are starting over.) Hosea 2:15a, There I will give back her vineyards to her and transform her valley of troubles into a door of hope.   I believe that by giving the vineyards back to Gomer, Hosea was once again sharing his property with Gomer. He was telling her, I trust you to share again in what we had together. By courting, going to a quite place, talking tenderly to her there and allowing her to share what he had to give transformed Gomer’s valley of troubles into a door of hope.   Without hope we have nothing. Hope that things would get better. Hope that wounded hearts would heal, hope for reconciliation is what Hosea gave Gomer. Thank God for hope! Hosea had hope and I have hope. Hosea 2:15b, She will respond to me there, singing with joy as in days long ago...   Do not be afraid. It will take an understanding of God’s mercy and grace. While you are praying for healing to take place before considering courting, study everything you can get your hands on. In God’s word, read everything you can find on God’s mercy and grace. Go to your Bible Bookstore and get everything you can find and devour it. I WILL CURE YOU. God said it, I believe it. It is so. God does not lie. Do not be afraid, fear not. Hosea 2:17, I will cause you to forget your idols and their names will not be spoken anymore.   Hosea 2:18b-20, Then you will lie down in peace and safety, unafraid; and I will bind you to me forever with chains of righteousness and justice and love and mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness and love, and you will really know me then as you never have before.

    As I see it, the biggest obstacle I have to overcome, and the hardest will be earning the trust of My Lady for that fallen champion sending or saying I’m sorry. The first counselor I talked with told me when reading a letter I had composed for one I had broken the heart of, that I had no right to ask forgiveness.   This is the same doctor who discouraged all hope of reconciliation from the first day I walked into her office. I already knew that my chances of reconciliation were next to none. But my belief is, if I have only a 1% chance in one hundred, I have hope. I will not allow anyone to take away my hope. If reconciliation does not happen, in God I still have hope in my future. In studying God’s word it is made very clear, I have sinned, (I’m responsible) I am sorry, (I’m remorseful), please forgive me. As we reach out to ask forgiveness we need to realize that the hurts and scars are very deep and very tender. We will have to ask God for wisdom, ask Him to show us how and when to ask forgiveness. We may be legally restricted from approaching our mate. When we are restricted (kept in the dark) unfounded thoughts begin to magnify and multiply in our minds. I have prayed while fasting that God would soften the hearts of those I have wounded so that I might apologize. My deepest desire is just to be able to say, I’m sorry.   We must trust God to give us the opportunity. God’s time-table is perfect. He will show you when the time is right.

    Understanding Differences

    Before even considering reconciling with your mate, watch them closely and pray that God will get their attention. Please accept the fact that you can not change your mate and should not change your mate. You can not force your mate to change and should not force your mate to change. You can not bargain with your mate to change and you should not bargain with your mate to change. It will not and should not happen. But if your mate appears to have changed, (through manipulation on your part) you can bet he or she is only playing the part to placate you and will no longer be the person you married.

    Hitting someone with the naked truth can be very destructive and just as blind love can be very enabling which is also destructive.

    "Truth without love is brutality.
    Love without truth is apostasy."
    Rev. C. Larry Cashatt

    My prayer for you is that you do not allow the same weapon that Sampson used to kill a thousand Philistines, (Judges 15:15) the jaw bone of an ass to destroy your relationship or marriage. Hosea instructs us about when to stop enabling. It was God who brought about the change. Hosea tried to make his wife change by telling his son to go talk to her. He told him to warn his mother. He threatened her with threats of stripping her naked for all to see. His threats and pleading did not change Gomer. When Hosea backed away and stopped enabling her, God could do his work. Hosea allowed Gomer to sin as low as she could go until God said, It is time, go and get your wife.   Only then was it time. If you will listen to God’s voice you can not go wrong. Pray and listen. When God says it is time, then it is time. Remember it was mercy, grace and love that changed Gomer. God gave the prayer, God showed what had to be changed and God alone changed Gomer.

    It’s not my job man.

    It’s not your job either, it’s God’s work. Think and realize how freeing this is to you and your mate to be able to pray and leave it in God’s hands. In placing our mate in God’s hands we are showing our dependency in God. When we do not pray and leave it in God’s hands we are placing our dependency in ourselves.

    As I write this chapter you will find it is more personal and direct. As you read, take what will help you, look at what you may be doing in your life with your mate, pray and ask God to help reveal truths for your benefit. I pray that what I write will trigger thoughts that may be different from mine that your relationship may need healing in.

    Stephen Treat, a therapist at the University of Pennsylvania’s Penn. Council for Relationships, a non-profit marital therapy training center, in Ladies Home Journal, October 1995 states that: "Over time many opposite couples will begin to see their differences as negative. Someone once thought of as disciplined, will suddenly be thought of as repressed ; someone who was once considered, spontaneous becomes flighty . The real challenge is to continue to admire their differences while learning to develop positive aspects of these qualities in one’s self. When this does happen, a marriage of opposites can become an extremely energetic, passionate one."

    Lonnie Barback, Ph.D., a San Franciso-based psychologist, in an article entitled When Opposites Attract , in the Ladies Home Journal, October 1995 wrote: "Don’t dictate. You must realize that you are not right and he is not wrong- you are just different. You are not the only arbitrator of ideas. Your partner may have all together different ideas, but they are equally valid. When your views clash, at least hear him out nonjudgementaly- then explain your side without criticizing his. You may hate the irresponsibility, but still love the free-spiritedness behind it. You went into the relationship because you admired and were in awe of the qualities in this person that you might not have yourself. Look at what they do well and then learn from it; then you can fill in with what you do well."

    From the beginning to the end of this book has been a study of myself. I have confessed the sin in my life. I have asked forgiveness for the sin in my life all based on my understanding of what I feel God is revealing to me through His word. I do not pretend to be a doctor or a therapist, I am just a man who has lived it and I am still living it. I am reaping what I have sown. This book is based on the 12 Step program as outlined in "The Life Recovery Bible which is a Bible-based program based on Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Program, . I am told that we need to look into the sins of our ancestors and into the things that have brought us to where we are. The 12 Step program states that it is alright to have anger against those who have hurt us including abuse, control, neglect or whatever else has hurt us. I have written about my father, my mother, my step-father, my former wife and My Lady who at this time is still my wife. The things I have written about are feelings of hurts, heartaches and rejection that I have lived with. I hope you will be able to learn from them. If you can identify with any of the problems I have written about you are doing anything that could be hurting or has hurt your mate please seek help. It may save your marriage.

    I’m a big kid at heart, I tear while watching Peter Pan, The Christmas Carol, and pictures of a hurting child. I squirt kids with the kitchen sprayer nozzle, tell booger jokes and carry on with my kids all the time. In my mind, I can create (picture) a house being built from the ground up. I can create scripts and plays for stage and see all the players choreographed in their places with the fireworks and special effects going simultaneously. While at the same time, I have felt like a failure as a man, because of an addiction I had no idea of how to control or stop. I had "handled" my problem (I believed) for seven years, until the word change was put on me. I honestly did not know what was hitting me. I just knew my intelligence was being questioned, that everything that I am, and everything that I was, was being questioned. My addiction was not under question and that was the problem.

    When I met my second wife I swept her off her feet. I wrote on the pavement of her street at 2:00 a.m. in the morning.   I love you, there now you have it in writing. Happy Birthday. Sam.   Blew her away. I made a mission impossible production audio tape for her of a secret mission with instructions of where we were to meet for a secret rendezvous. I was Secret Agent 007. She was Lady Agent. One of the things that thrilled me more than anything else was one night when we were dating we took a long walk out onto a fishing pier over the ocean. The pier had a large fishing deck at the end with a smaller second level deck where we were able to look down on the fisherman. We were on the second level watching the fisherman when I saw this guy who looked just like Chris Farley, the actor. I mean this guy looked like his identical twin. Well I started talking over the railing to him just like I’ve always talked to everybody I ever met. During our conversation I asked him, I bet you get asked by a lot of people if you’re Chris Farley, don’t you? Of course, he said, Yes. I told him without giving it a second thought, You know what you should do when you’re asked don’t you? He said, “No.” Then I screamed at the top of my lungs, just like Chris Farley would have, NOOOOO! We all laughed. He said, I’ll remember that ONE. As we left, on our walk back off the pier, I could not help but recall how many times Julie had told me that I embarrassed her by talking to strangers. When I mentioned this to My Lady, I seem to remember her saying, Why would I be embarrassed?   I was thrilled. Somebody who loves me for me. The big kid at heart. My Lady loved that in me. So I thought. Within two months of our marriage I was irresponsible with a list of my faults being compiled being made of every area of my life. This with the help of my in-laws the list to change could fill a book. It was Sunday just three days before our separation. My mother-in-law and father-in-law stood talking with us outside in front of our house. I pleaded with them.   Can’t you please talk to my wife, to go to counseling with me, to try to save our marriage? I love your daughter, but she is being obstinate about getting help. You love her too, maybe she will listen to you.   I got hit right between the eyes as Momma broke into tears as she told me, You have hurt my daughter horrible with your financial problems.   I listened to every word.

    I went back into the house and apologized for calling her obstinate. I apologized for my anger, I told her I would leave without any more anger or fights. My Lady left me with a ray of hope.   If you can prove yourself financially, we may be able to talk again in nine months to a year.   Good old optimistic Sam. I wrote on the cover of my diary 100% meaning my perception of getting my finances in order and getting back with My Lady. I had two hurts to get over, two huge problems. I had work that would have to earn me $1400 to $1800 a week. Within two or three months I would be able to catch up. Then within a week’s time ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. The truth about a relationship I had become involved in was brought to light. I lost my work contract because my field supervisor found out what I had done and the money dried up again. Another rejection and failure. In the weeks that followed I still had no idea why I had so many problems or why everything had fallen apart for so many years. I had already seen the pleasing problem, but I did not realize my financial problems were being caused by the same addiction to please others, tunnel vision and glossing over the wrongs that others had done to me. I had always had a compulsion to make the big one work, so I could give both my wife Julie and My Lady the things I could only dream and fantasize about, the more negative I got over not making enough money, the more I tried. When things failed, I would become depressed for a few days then get right back up and try again. It was never ending cycle, striving to please. When I was accused of not trying, I felt not only a rejection toward my life’s work, but worse, I felt I was being rejected for what I was trying to do for them, ultimatums only put on that much more. I continually pressured myself to make it, attempting something bigger and better until the next failure with failure after failure and rejection after rejection, never being able to please them. An opportunity to please another, to find some measure of acceptance would become available to me. I did not go looking, I took advantage of availability.

    I could not fire an employee even if he needed to be fired because I feared he would not like me. I glossed over their faults and tried many times to help employees who did not improve. I have hired men and placed them in a position of authority, just so they could fire a man for me. Since I had blinders on I could not see through a lie. I trusted everyone. I would believe contractors when they told me they had tons of work, that I wouldn’t have to look else where for work. I can now see these people did this to me so that they would have someone available when they needed someone in spite of the fact that they knew they did not have enough work. Take the salesman, he will tell a man what he wants to hear. They are trained in sales to do just that. It brought financial havoc into my home. To top this, I was told that our view of the heavenly Father is the same view we have of our own father. My earthly father I could never seem to please who basically told me everything I ever tried would not work. Now I was beginning to understand why I had a problem, not being able to go to God in prayer over my finances. Then on top of this there was the guilt I carried.

    When we went into our marriage we were already in a financial bind due to legal fees incurred in a custody battle for my son, which entailed hours of work assimilating evidence. I met My Lady at church where we struck up a friendship with the encouragement of our children who were also friends. I encouraged her to come to my church. We spent our first day together at a bike-a-thon in our town followed by a three month courtship, learning about each other and falling in love. When I was hired full-time as a field manager for a construction company, I loved it and felt I had stability for the first time in years. In preparation to be married I made arrangements with my landlord to paint my house inside and out to catch up on arrears in my mortgage before turning my house back to him since there was not enough equity in the house to keep it and sell it. My future in-laws attempted to buy the house and called the owner who was an old friend of theirs. He told them what it would take to buy the house and how much in arrears the mortgage was. This happened about a week before our wedding. Things did not look good. In the discussions that followed My Lady told me how embarrassed her Momma was about my owing money to their friend. I told her he had agreed to accept my payment (painting of the house) to cover the amount due and that it was caught up to date. I said, Why don't you call him and ask him yourself? She said, I will.   I honestly believed that it had been taken care of. When I went back to talk with the owner a few days later, I was shocked when he told me there was still a balance. I apologized and told him I would take care of it. He thanked me, shook my hand and said, No one has ever done that before.  I do not handle being indebted to anyone very well. I do not toss them into the trash and forget about them. It is a constant source of gut-wrenching guilt. Never have I tried to get out of paying a debt.

    I now am very thankful to God for His promise that the rain will fall again and my crops will bring forth a harvest.

    As of January 1997 my total indebtedness is $34,000 including a $2,000 I.R.S. compromise.

    I have written about my indebtedness so that you might see how my addiction has controlled my finances as well as every other aspect of my life. I do not have credit card debts, because I cut them all up years ago. Many have debts because they've spent their money on their addictions such as alcohol or drugs. This I have not done with the exception of a few hundred dollars I spent trying to please someone that I had no right trying to please. My indebtedness was a result of business ventures that failed and the loss of investment money due to poor judgment in trusting untrustworthy people. The bottom line is any kind of controlling addiction will lighten your purse and leave your pockets empty. My trusting of people, I believed to be God’s will. I told an employee, If you are slowing down on the job by 25% and you are being paid $8.00 an hour you are stealing $2.00 an hour or $80.00 a week from the mouths of my children.   I worked my buns off in what I called pull management.   I’m going to pull (not push) and you better keep up with me.   I should have fired him, I did not. He found another job two weeks later.