Chapter XV

Chapter XV
Questioning My Intelligence

    Always the pushover, because of my tender heart, if when going through a check out line my kids asked for a candy bar, they usually got it, even though it may have left me without coffee money for the following day. Let me tell you why. When I lived in California I met a family who were homeless. Julie and I invited them to our home, so that they could bathe and have a nice dinner. We said good-bye and they went on their way. Several months later they stopped by and invited us to their home for dinner. God allowed a friendship to blossom that has endured for many years. We continued to visit and share with them even as grandchildren arrived. But the one lesson Julie and I learned from this mother of four was while grocery shopping she had bought beans, rice, day old bread, a piece of fat back and a bag of candy. My wife asked our friend, Why did you buy a bag of candy when you’re so broke?   She answered, When a child has a piece of candy, everything is alright.   Since that time, even though I may have been broke, I have bought candy for my children. My Lady multiplied the cost of candy bars, 50 cents x 7 days = 3.50 x 52 weeks = $182.00, that’s a car payment.   I’m sorry, but this one I've refused to change. My decision was based on Everything’s alright.   In making an issue out of something as simple as a candy bar, you may very well be questioning your mate’s common sense, principles, and even his intelligence. Take the time to inquire why he is so adamant about the issue, you may be pleased with the answer and chalk it up as a positive attribute, rather than childish behavior as you may see it. For the same reason, I've been known to pay the cable first and half the electric bill after making arrangement with the electric company to pay the balance the following week. Questioning a man’s judgment in raising his kids after he’s been a dad for twenty-five years is bound to cause problems.

    While courting My Lady and in being the romantic that I am, I wanted to do something she would always remember, so I began by looking up the word lady and found that in order for the The Lady to become My Lady I would have to rescue her in a romantic sense to earn her hand. To do this I would have to become her Champion. Once I had rescued "The Lady" I would then be her champion and she would become "My Lady." So I made a sword and a lance and added a sword holster. I put them in the back of my truck, and drove around until I found a dragon on a carousel in a small park at Barefoot Landing. Then I sent my daughter ahead with her camera. I took The Lady to the carousel where The Lady fell beneath the dragon and I jumped onto the dragon’s back and slew the dragon. The Lady became My Lady and I became her Champion. I am relating this story to further show the control of my addiction even before we married. I was very pleasing to My Lady. I made My Lady smile. These two big words I had to deal with in my recovery. When I heard the song, When I See You Smile by the group Bad English several years ago, I got goose bumps. It made me tear.   I can do anything. I can walk through the rain. I can conquer the world. Remembering the words pleasing smile.   My trigger words. As you listen to songs and words you too will find clues into yourself and your mate. When the smiling stopped and my wife rejected my wisdom, this then multiplied by a family of five. I did not know how to handle it. When the smiles stopped and I could no longer please My Lady, I felt totally rejected. The things that had captivated My Lady became the very things that she hated. I now know, but did not know then when with My Lady, that this was an attack on who I am. It was a rejection to the max. Many people react to rejection in many ways and the ways we react is based on how we have learned to handle rejection as a child. We could all be rejected and we will all react differently. Some handle it constructively, some can not. Being loved, accepted, cherished till death do us part, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, this is what I wanted to be to My Lady. I was not accepted. Now both of us have to deal with the rejection.

    I now understand what rejection led me to. I also understand how my rejections were triggered. My Lady will have to understand if we are ever reconciled what rejection can cause in her husband and how he deals with it. The horrible feelings of rejection I caused in her as well.

    I am not stupid. I do not think we could ever get back together without help and healing. But I do know we both have super qualities. We never would have dated if we had not seen these qualities in each other. I do not believe I was stupid or blind, nor do I believe I made the wrong decision when I asked My Lady to marry me. In my mind’s eye I saw My Lady and I growing old together. In a Ladies Home Journal article dated October 1995, Sally Stich of Denver writes about psychology and relationships as follows: When To Forgive Him (If He’s Done The Unforgivable!)   For a woman who has been betrayed in the ultimate betrayal it will not be easy. It would take a super human to be able to let go of the overwhelming resentment and ever be able to trust the person who hurt you. But, it is possible, in many cases, the experts say, it is a wise choice which benefits both the forgiver and the forgiven.

    Scott Stanley, Ph.D., an Adjunct Associate Professor of Family and Marriage Therapy at the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California in the same issue of Ladies Home Journal states: "If you are the one who is doing the forgiving, it frees the energy you have been devoting to anger. For the forgiven it is also powerful because it offers them a whole new motivation to change. Your mate will now be facing the pain they caused you and you’re giving your mate another chance.    If you don’t forgive," Stanley states, "there’s a wall (being built) between the couple. The result will be that one partner ends up perpetually bitter and angry, the other mate just gives up; the debt is too great to pay off."   You can not earn love. You are either loved or you are not loved, as we learn from our study in Hosea. But trust is something that has to be earned. This we also can learn from Hosea, by the fact that he put Gomer away (or separated) for many days.

    During this time of separation is when forgiveness is in order, but the trust will have to grow as both seek help, counseling and search themselves as verified by Hosea.

    Shirley Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist in the Baltimore area, Ladies Home Journal, October 1995 states: "Contriteness with a willingness to seek help for problems within one’s self is a sign that forgiveness is in order. Those two factors, experts say, are critical. Men have a tendency to be defensive or to say, Ha, let’s just put it in the past and move on.   What you will need is for both mates to listen to the anger of the other and try to understand the pain and be committed to changing behavior."

    I personally believe when we commit to change as God shows us our shortcomings that change will be evident and lasting and your mate will receive the benefit of that change. If both in a broken relationship agree to rebuild the hard work is still ahead. Glass states that, Forgiving is not like flipping a light switch. It’s more like turning on a light dimmer that slowly goes from darkness to light.   Depending on what the betrayal and hurts are, you must realize that it may take a year to feel okay about your mate again. The process will include getting out your rage and anger.

    Stanley states that, "You will need to tell your mate just how hurt you are.   Experts caution, You will have to have a limit and structure to your discussions without accusatory remarks."   A therapist or counselor can be a great help to direct constructively. Once you’re past the anger, which will take prayer for understanding on the part of both mates, therapy should continue. There are hundreds of groups out there that can help. The 12 Step program alone has branched out into hundreds of 12 Step programs based on those principles. There are programs on alcohol, gambling, sexual addiction, abuse, the list goes on and on. A call to your local hospital for information is a good place to begin.

    Stanley states: "Apologies are very powerful, they will validate the one who has been hurt." (Actually they can be done several times.)