Chapter XVI

Chapter XVI

Change! Change?

    As I began going through hours and hours of notes to insert them into this chapter I have had to look closely at myself and as I explained in an earlier chapter I have always looked at things through rose-colored glasses. I have discovered how for years I glossed over offenses, and could not or would not have a confrontation with anyone who might have offended me. True to form, the anger I showed was toward rejection I felt, not against my offenders. The things that were said to me and the attitudes that were shown toward me triggered my response but in no way justifies my actions. I was wrong.

    When we went into our marriage I liked the way I pretty much was. I felt I had handled my problem of the past. I was teaching Children’s Church and enjoyed it. I was attending church regularly and I’m sure My Lady felt the same way I did when we went into marriage or she would not have married me.

    Then the dung hit the fan. I was told I was irresponsible in the way I was raising my son. My son and I got along absolutely fantastic before I got married. We’d drop everything at least once a week and go to the beach morning, noon or sometimes even late at night. Taking my kids to the beach was based on my wisdom that I had learned at seminars on family life. It took time out for relaxation, a chance to spend quality sharing time with my son and yes I do agree with My Lady’s statement: You think if you go to the beach that everything’s alright.   Yes, I do!

    My son’s grades were great when we were alone and just as good when we were together in the new blended family. When his father forgot to sign his paper for school, it didn’t mean his father was irresponsible, it meant he didn’t realize his wife resented portraying mother to his son. We as mothers and fathers think differently. I am very sorry that you had to sign my son into school the same day you had to go to school with your daughter. I thought it was the motherly thing to do. My mistake. One day I was told that I had left the bathroom a mess with my stuff.   I said, No, everything that is mine is in a bucket under the sink.   This gave me the one and only chance to speak up about something that I would like to see changed. I snapped back that it looked like what was left in the field after the cows came home. I am sorry I asked you to change.

    When I married my first wife we were sitting on the couch in the first home we had just bought. We had one daughter at the time. And as I sat looking across the room at these stairs I said to Julie I hear the sound of many feet coming down those stairs. The number of little feet did indeed increase from two to ten while we lived in that house. Two more little feet were added to that number after we left that house. I loved my children and still do. They are a blessing to me daily. I never complained about them ever.

    One day while I was talking with my step-father I made the statement: I can’t figure out why I’m always broke.   Barney said, I can give you six good reasons.   It had never entered my mind. I never complained. Julie and I had talked about having six children before we ever married. All six of my children were planned except one of the twins and since we had three more after the twins I guess that means we planned the twins too.

    It was hard, but we managed. Julie was very good at shopping yard sales, as well as selling stuff at yard sales. We gardened and canned and froze food.

    One day a man from our church said to me, How could you have more than one child when Jesus could come back any minute? The tribulation is at hand.   He continued with, Children are a test or trial to us.   I was furious, I took my Thompson Chain Reference Bible and did a search on every verse I could find concerning children. There is not one place in scripture where children are ever referred to as a trial or a test.

    Children are only referred to as a blessing and given as a heritage unto the Lord.   I feel that way about everyone of my children. I thank God for the blessings he has given me, and I am also promised by God that my grandchildren will be a blessing in my old age.

    Now one day I was trying to explain that I have had money problems over the years to my second wife because of court battles and raising a large family. This was not true. I now know it was because of my addiction. The response from My Lady came back, You shouldn't have had so many kids.

    I went silent. My intelligence was being questioned again. The understanding of my Bible study was questioned. The wisdom I believed was based on my study of the Bible was also questioned. So which one would I give up? None of them! I just wish our problems could have been kept in our own house with the only outside advice coming from an accepted qualified God-centered counselor. I was more than willing to seek counseling. I knew I was not the strong one in finances. This is why I signed up for a course at our church in finance, to get help. The class folded for lack of interest. I signed up for a second class just a few months later. That one I was not able to attend because of a restraining order after My Lady and I separated.

    As My Lady's list of faults grew, I was accused of hiding my truck in our backyard so that my in-laws could not see it if I wasn't working. The truth is there were two reasons for parking my truck in the backyard (which was none of their business) all my tools and power saws were in my truck and my truck payments were behind. While at a family reunion I told a relative of my wife, who was in the cabinet business that I was about to be made the (punch guy) salary man to follow up on complaints covering a vast area. I explained that it would be great, because some weeks I might have three days of punch work and other day’s possible only one and that it would be a salary ON TOP OF my regular piece work. Again my wife’s parents had overheard the conversation and concluded their daughter’s husband was lazy and joking about how I was going to get paid for not working. This was thrown at me the week before My Lady and I separated. It was totally misread. But you must remember if you’re looking for positive you'll find it. If you're looking for negative you'll find that to. My in-laws were looking for negative from day one. I am not lazy and have never been lazy.

    One day I was telling my father-in-law how great I thought it was that my step-daughter was doing so well and mentioned how I had encouraged her in many ways. In my heart I knew I had helped to bring about a healing between she and her father by encouraging her to forgive him of the hurts, and encouraging her to write just a short postcard to him just to say she loved him. It took weeks. But finally the card brought about a healing followed by telephone calls that lasted over just five minutes. It was a start of a healing between her father and herself. She told her mother in her own words she realized she was no longer freaking out at her. She said, I think I have changed because of Sam.   When this was told to my in-laws, my father-in-law’s reaction was, She is just growing out of it.   Thanks a lot Dad. I guess that would have been a positive. But there was no list for positives. My in-laws kept looking until they finally found a monster. I wonder what they might have found if they had sincerely looked for good in me.

    When I went into our marriage I was attending church whenever the doors were open. I taught Children’s Church. Went to Men’s breakfast at my church whenever I could get there. Sang at my church. Within five months of being married, when I went to the big family reunion I just wanted to get lost. When I did talk to the one man that was in the same business as I, that conversation was the one that was overheard by my Momma and thrown back at me as being lazy.

    Just what needed to be changed in me is debatable. The manner in which my shortcomings were presented to me were brutal. An ultimatum to change because one mate thinks they should change questions the intelligence, wisdom and thought process of the other. My question now is, Where the h_ _ _ do you get off? Who the h_ _ _ do you think you are?

    I heard the word change, changed, changing used in all it’s tenses, on tape, in conversations, all referring to former, present and future relationships. My conclusion: the problem was, how the word was used and by whom. The changes asked of me would fill a book.

    When do we rebuke a brother? Luke 17:1-4 There will always be temptations to sin, Jesus said one day to his disciples, but woe to the man who does the tempting. If he were thrown into the sea with a huge rock tied to his neck, he would be far better off than facing the punishment in store for those who harm these little children’s souls. I am warning you! Rebuke you brother if he sins and forgive him if he is sorry. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and ask forgiveness forgive him.

    Rev. Gary Chapme states that, There are four ways to handle an affront or transgression:

Run and Hide
Grin and Bear It
Revenge
Loving Confrontation
The only scriptural way is loving confrontation.

    The first three on the list are not scriptural and can and will lead to handling the problems in self-destructive and distrustful ways to others. So, when do we rebuke a brother? We rebuke a brother when he sins.

    According to the 12 Step program, It’s alright to admit the truth about what brought us into bondage. (And what helped to continue it.) This may very well involve the wrongs committed by our parents and family. It’s alright to express our anger and regret over what has hurt us. We have a right to hold others accountable as we are held accountable and grieve over the negative effects they have had on our life. This is part of the real picture. It is not alright to use this hurt as an excuse for our wrong choices or for staying in our own bondage. They may be partly responsible for bringing us to this place, but we are responsible for moving on to a better place for ourselves and our own children.
November 8, 1996

     The things that were said to me were completely out of line and totally uncalled for. I have never been able to reply to statements like the ones I have received, if the statements were from an authority figure. I could agree to justify but could not answer due to rejection. I kept silent. But I am told I need to feel anger and not hold on to hurt. So, hear it is straight from God’s Word.

    May you do what the Hebrews were told they would have to do in 2 Kings 18:27(excluding the last phrase). There, I said it, I wrote it now I can calm down a little and take back what I just said and now ask you to just take God’s quote in Ezekiel 4:15b. I guess that was still pretty strong, alright then because of the famine described in Ezekiel 4:12 if you had to do that I guess that would be enough.

Now I believe if I were to have the smae stuff thrown at me again I would probably see it for what it is and just tell them, Eat fur balls will you, that really did hurt my feelings, or why are you questioning my intelligence, do I do that to you? Now before you jump all over me for such earthiness please read what God said when dealing with the attitudes of his people when making sacrifices with bad attitudes.

    God said when rejecting the bad attitudes of his people. Malachi 2:3bLB, I will spread on your faces the manure of these animals you offer me and throw you out like dung.

    Anybody who says that anger isn't of God is fooling their self. When Jesus overthrew the tables and ran off the money changers for ripping off his people outside of the temple, it was not displaced anger, it was anger. When I deal with anger because of feeling rejected that is displaced anger, the problem I had I did not get angry I handled rejection by finding another to please, when I am angry because I have been wronged that is not displaced anger, I will no longer take statements to my character as rejection. I think it would be far greater to show rightful anger then to search to please for acceptance.

    I had those who tried to change who I am, who tried to take away who I am.

    The problem I now have is, my wife and in-laws would probably like to do what God said he was going to do in Malachi 2:3bLB, in fact they would probably like to kick the stuff out of me first then rub my face in it. They have a right to be angry.

    When after visiting with two relatives of my step-father’s I was asked, Why were you so alive when you were with them?   I said, Because that’s who I am.   Joe and Lynn accept me for who I am. I was comfortable with them. Whenever I was with your family, I had to change something, do better at something, impress at something to feel accepted. I was not accepted as the photo of my mother-in-law and father-in-law proves, that was taken the day we were married (during the ceremony).

    I will not pattern myself to be like any man. I will not try to emulate any man except Jesus Christ.

    I would like to, but was unable to learn from my father-in-law’s wisdom in business. My father-in-law is a great businessman who started a business in which he did whatever it took to make it work. After selling a very profitable business where he should have received residual income for the rest of his life, the new owner ran the business into the ground leaving my in-laws out to dry. My father-in-law and with the help of my mother-in-law who stood behind her husband 100% started over with no house, no income and built a very profitable business from nothing. I would love to learn from the man. I would love to learn from his wisdom. I would love to learn from his knowledge. I just wish the feeling had come from them to me.

    My Lady has now rejected the garbage that was in me, the garbage that surfaced after I was asked to leave. I reject the same garbage.

    What I will have to understand and realize is that my wife and my in-laws may never be able to understand or believe that the garbage has been removed. And you will have to understand if you are separated because you have done something to hurt and injure either mentally or physically it may never come back together.

    The only thing you can do is leave it in God’s hands. God wants the best for you. For a marriage to work it will take both husband and wife following God’s instruction. If your mate is not willing you will just have to move on. I have had to go to God and ask Him to forgive me. He has. I now have a horrible problem. I am also unworthy of my wife because of my sin. All I can do there is ask for the same forgiveness. I am sorry, I ask you to forgive me. I can do nothing to earn your love. I can do nothing to be worthy of your love. I can do nothing to receive your love.

    How can I ask My Lady to accept me and love me unconditionally? I don’t know. How can I ask God to accept me and love me unconditionally? I don’t know. I just know He does. And because he does I have committed myself to love Him, serve Him, follow Him, praise Him, adore Him, tell the world of His unending love. Be true to Him. Be faithful to Him. Be intimate with Him. Give Him back in service everything He has given me. Give Him all that I am. I have become His servant to do all that He leads me or asks me to do. I give Him all that He is helping me to be. I give Him all of me. I would like to give the same thing to My Lady.